Six Months Till South 한국...

The fact that there is a possibility is what is keeping me up at night, and when I do fall asleep it's a restless one. I keep thinking no way, this can't happen, it's impossible. But the Possibility is still there and that is why it's scary.

It's the what if that is scaring me like crazy. It creeps into my mind in the quiet moments and then I become fearful. What ifs are scary creatures that lurk in the shadows of the mind. Like a being that haunts you even in your waking hours.

I'm trying to be brave and just wait, but the what if lurks in my mind only to be met by what would I do if...

It makes me shudder to think about it, so I do my best not do. But I cannot hide from my fear of the what ifs...of the fact that there is a Possibility. Waiting to find out is its own form of torture. Waiting, as the days pass me by bringing me closer to an answer that will either set me free or bind me even more.

I won't lie and say I am not scared. I'm very scared, but all I can do is wait. So while I wait I'm going to keep moving forward and enjoying each day because no matter what happens I have to do my best, make the best of every situation, and not let the fear conquer me.

So I'm just going to keep breathing because that is really all I can do. I'm going to accept the fear and manage it. I'm going to trust in my God and believe in the future He has promised me.

I have my whole life ahead of me, and nothing is going to stop me from living it.

That is how I feel right now, and it feels really good to feel peaceful. I have a little less than three months here, and I am trying to make the most of my time. I've finally gotten back into learning Korean, and so far have been reviewing what I know and making a study plan for the next three months. I want to take a holistic approach to my studying and do it patiently. I want to make sure I can read, write, and speak each word properly before I move on to a new topic.

My area of improvement is creating sentences. I have a hard time differentiating between a topic and object which is important to making a proper Korean sentence, oh and particles are my enemy. There are too many of them. Even so, I enjoy learning as much as I can. I really want to take classes while I am in Korea, and grasp as much of the language as I can. I don't understand when people go to foreign countries an not try to learn some basics of the language. It would in my mind make things a lot easier and make you more approachable and respected by the country's people.

I'm trying to learn essentials to living in Korea, like food names, body parts numbers, and common phrases right now. Once I master those I will do look into other topics. Hopefully, I can have a Korean study partner like I did at school. It really helped me and it was a lot of fun to hear his thoughts on being Korean.

Besides learning Korean, I am delving back into reading. There is something so peaceful about curling up with a good book and spending hours discovering a story. Since I have all this free time, I am trying to read a lot of books for fun. I'm also watching tons of dramas! ^__^ I think Asian dramas are way better than American television. I am watching What's Up Fox, Smile You, and You're Beautiful right now. I just finished Nodame Cantabile and cannot wait for the two movies coming out in 2010.

Before I felt like all this free time was a burden, but now I am treating it like a gift and trying to be productive and have fun with it. In three months my life will be filled with adjusting to a new culture, teaching, and just overall lots of new things so I am trying to stop rushing everything and just enjoy this moment in life.

December is a months filled with a lot of events for me, so it has been going by really fast. I am looking forward to 1/1/2010. A new year, new season, and another chance to create new endings. All the craziness of 2009 will hopefully come to an end by the end of this months, and I can finally start putting the pieces back together.

I'm looking forward to it!
~Lola O.~

So I was rediscovering my affection for Jason Mraz and if you haven't heard this song, take this opportunity to listen to it. I think the lyrics have a lot of wonderful meaning in them.

From the stretch of time between posts you can tell I have less things to vent about! ^__^

So if you didn't already know there are 5 Stages of Grief when you go through some kind of loss. I tend to think it applies more than the loss of a loved one. It applies to the loss of something or someone period. For me, three months ago it was the loss of dream (or so thought). Sometimes, I think about that day and I get shivers down my spine. It was a scary day for me and my family, and one I never want to put us through again if I can help it.

Denial: From the moment the doctor told me I had internal bleeding from a blood clot attached to an ulcer I tried to pretend he was crazy and that this situation was just a bad dream. I closed my eyes and told myself when I open it everything would be back to normal. It wasn't and I was still in the hospital and I was definitely not going to leave for Seoul the next day.

Anger: For the first month after I was released from the hospital I had a lot of anger inside of me. It was overwhelming how angry I was with myself, God, my family, my sickness, my everything. I was raging mad that this was happening to me, and I couldn't stand the loss of control. I was angry because it felt like my dream had been ripped away from me moments before it was about to be reached. I was angry, and I wanted everyone to feel angry too!

Bargaining: I told myself if I get better, I can still make orientation. Or I can come a little bit later. Or in a month, I'll be ready to travel. Or maybe, they'll let me come early. Six months of waiting felt like a lifetime, but half of it has already gone by.

Depression: I spent a lot of time crying myself to sleep (this unpredictable chaos was a huge shock to me) the first month. The second month, I spent a lot of time moping and sighning how unfair this whole situation was. The third month, I let go of my anger and depression and finally realized I had to let go of what might/should/could have been and focus on the present and my future.

Most people don't understand what I went through or what I'm going through because they aren't going through it and don't really understand where I am coming from. I wrote it all out because that was the only way I could find a release from how I was feeling. My mom didn't understand how much it hurt being here, seeing my luggage sitting in the doorway, and knowing I wasn't going anywhere soon. They don't know what I went through, how tired I felt, how angry I was inside,  but most of all how sad I felt that this happened to me.

In a way I blamed myself for getting sick and ending up in the hospital. I blamed myself for not noticing the signs sooner. I blamed myself even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to change things. Things happen, and most of the time it is out of our control. I got through all of those emotions and finally...

Acceptance: That led to acceptance (for the most part). I still have moments of feeling out of sort with everything but I get through them. I've learned that life is literally unpredictable. It changes in a moment and takes your breathe away. It can leave you broken, but you have to put yourself back together. Life is life, and you have to roll with the punches and go with the flow. There is no other way to say it but to say that, shit happens and you have to deal with it. I had a plan and things went in another direction so I have to start from scratch. I learned that my health takes priority over everything else and that stress is a dream killer.

The most important lesson I learned is that life has to be lived the way you dream it to be. You have no clue when your time is up and therefore if there is something you want to do then do it before it's too late. God saved me that day, and at first it felt like I was being punished, but I know in my heart I'm alive because of him. So now I just have to live my life the best that I can and discover the things, people, and places that make me happy.

I've accepted I cannot change what happened but I can work towards making my dreams come true, one day and one step at a time. Lately, I have been listening to this song;

I feel like it was written for me because it describes exactly how I feel at this point in my life about where I've been and where I want to go. I'm still trying to figure it all out, and I have so many questions, but I know in time I will find the answers I need about my life and how I want to live it. I'm moving past this hurdle towards my future destination with determination and hope.

Wish me luck!
Lola O.

That word just about sums up my utter annoyance right now. They say that when life gives you lemons you should make lemonade, but what if you don't know how to make lemonade, or everything you try it turns out all crappy and gross. No one ever talks about that! They just say that stupid phrase with their foolish grins.

So the main reasons why I am annoyed is 1) I still haven't found a job, even though I have applied to several different positions. I mean I have been pretty open-minded about the jobs I could do but still no luck, and no job. I have a little over 3 months to go till I leave for Seoul, and I would really like to find something temporary to fill up my time.

2) My three cousins who should be the definition of troublemakers. I used to think I wanted a big family when I eventually get married but having them around for the past two years has completely changed my outlook on parenthood. I shudder now when I think about kids, and all the drama that comes with them. Seriously, they don't know how to behave, get along, and not constantly get themselves into trouble.

Today they don't have school, so I am stuck with them all day. FYI I am unfortunately Ms. Babysitter and it sucks like no other. I like quiet and peace in my home but noooooo everything is all about them. It is like they have taken over my house. I mean I even have to sleep on the coach on account of them staying in my room. I am praying to God that all this drama ends, that would be the best Christmas gift ever right now, besides finding a job.

With the unemployment rate at an all time high, and people saying on average people will be unemployed for at least 7 months my prospects don't look good. Sure, I could survive for the next 3 months, but it would be a struggle, and I would like to have some money to pay off my credit card, and save up for Seoul. I have been praying that God finds me something soon, that is exactly what I needed for the next 3 months. I just want something part time that pays $10 an hour, and is fun.

My ideal place was a bookstore but I have applied to several of them and have gotten no replies back from any of them. My life is just blah, blah,....blah right now and some days it really gets to me. I'm sitting here, with nothing to do and nowhere to go and that really sucks. I don't have the motivation to study my Korean books, or learn more about Korea right now. It is like someone turned off my light switch and now I am left in darkness.

Everything I want to do costs money, and I am trying to choose my expenses wisely so I have enough to last me the next 3 months without dipping too much into my Korea funds.

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~

Currently Listening To: Snow Patrol's "Set The Fire To The Third Bar"


When your in college everyone always tells you to enjoy it because "life after college" sucks!!! Well now that I am a college graduate I kind of have to agree with that. Life after college totally sucks right now, and I am starting to really miss the way things were in college.

I miss the fun and convenience of college. It is so easy to get together and hang out with friends, but now everything has changed. I'm sure it wouldn't have sucked like this if I hadn't gotten an ulcer and ended up not going to Korea. I have moved past the bitter and self-pity phase and am just trying to find things to do to make it through the next 4 months.

Haha...only four months to go till I finally start my "new life" in Seoul. I am ready to spread my wings and see how far and high I can go on my own. Cheesy but true. In two weeks I go to the GI doctor to make sure all is well inside and get cleared. I feel like once that happens I can finally start really living again. No more meds, no more watchful eyes, no more weakness. I am just crossing my fingers that everything is good on the inside so things can finally get better on the outside.

I have started the process of applying for SMOE again. I had to do the application and etc again but at least no interviews for me. Now the waiting begins all over again. My heart is wary this time around as if it's protecting itself/myself from being devastated again. I need to get my mojo back and feel that passion once again. That feeling of looking forward to something with all my heart. Haha...so cheesy.

So since my last entry I have been trying with no success to find a temporary job and I got a bit of a cold last week but am recovering. I still get bouts of tiredness but my energy is definitely up. My sister seems to think I am becoming a hermit just because I tend to stay home. Hermits stay home willingly...I stay home cause I have no job, money, or friends around me right now. I am trying to preserve my gas for as long as possible.

I have been writing a lot of poetry lately and I always get inspired by the wonderfulness of music. Make sure to check out http://acousticimagery.blogspot.com/ where I upload my artistic endeavors. I am really hoping to find some kind of temporary job so I can save up some money before I leave for Seoul. Easier said that done it seems...no one really wants to hire a 4 month employee right now, but since Christmas is coming I am hoping to find something.

Right now everything just feels very uncertain and that makes the future a very scary place for me. I don't really have any plans besides going to Korea. It feels like everything I knew or thought I knew has crumbled around me and instead of answers or solutions I just have questions and problems. Is this what the twenties are like? I have a long way to go before I finally feel like I have come into my own. My vision isn't as clear anymore and my destination is nonexistent. I guess I want to try just living and letting my choices take me to the next path and so on.

I am praying that in 4 months I find myself in Korea starting something new and seeing where it takes me. I'm ready for a change and that is why the mundane present tends to get to me. Everything is the same...everything but me. I am just trusting my God to surround me and make it all possible. To lead me where I am to be and help me find people who will help me along the way. I am ready to see what I am capable of. I am ready to see more of the world and be a part of it is new ways. I am ready for a risk and a challenge but I have 4 more months of waiting to go.

I made it through these past two months so I can make it through the next 4 months. I just hope I find a decent job soon.

Aja Aja Fighting!!!

How I wish I was fearless; oblivious of dangers or perils or calmly resolute in facing them. Invulnerable to fear or intimidation.

Can you imagine not ever being afraid? Being able to face your demons without flinching, fighting for your desires with a full heart. I think I could achieve a lot by being fearless, and at the same time every upside has its downside. I am listening to Colbie Caillat's Fearless, and am currently feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless at the moment cause I cannot for the life of me find a decent job for the next five months. It just feels weird being a college graduate and yet having no job or prospects. I mean I am not really using my degree since I just want/need a temporary and stress-free job. I have applied to at least 10-15 different places and haven't gotten one call back. I have called back but my experience in that particular job doesn't exactly match. I've been in college for the past four years so my "real world" experience is severely limited. It is really hard to get my foot in the door right now.

I get that the economy is crap but jeez this is really causing me some major meltdown moments. Thank God I don't have any student loans or anything major to pay off. I do not want to spend the last 5 months living off my mother. She wants me to rest and relax but I have never been one to not earn my share. I do not live off or rely on others to pay for my things. Never have and never will. Yeah, that is my independence talking. I just don't like to feel indebted to anyone and taking money from my mom makes me cringe inside. I mean she has her own matters to take care off and the last thing I want is to be a financial burden to her. That is the whole reason I have a college degree, so I can make a life for myself. I get that it isn't my fault I got stuck with this ulcer but man is it making my life complicated. The doctor says no stress and in my head all I think is boy you have no idea what my life is like.

I am not fond of stress but it seems to be my constant (some times only) companion right now. I need a job, period. I have some savings but that is dwindling down with car insurance payments, gas, and miscellaneous things. I am stretching it out as best as I can (I am a finance major) but I really doubt this is going to last me the next 5 months plus whatever I need to for Korea. I am not going out, no shopping, careful with my gas, and etc but I hate living like this. I've always been more of the saver type but I would like a job not only to save up but to be able to go out and have fun one in a while. The last thing I want to do it touch my Korea Saving Fund before I actually go to Korea, and I am crossing my fingers I don't have to. Money is such a bittersweet item. Great when you have it, sucks when you don't...kind of like Love.

I am not too picky about work except for not dealing with food i.e. being a waitress and the like. I have been hoping to find some kind of part-time gig at a bookstore or the library since I love books so much but no suck luck. No luck with any movie places either. I am really hoping to find a more than minimum wage job and am praying to God for an opportunity that is cool with me only working there for five months. I have a very strong conscience so I cannot lie to someone and pretend I am going to be around for a permanent position when I know from the start that isn't true. I'm huge on ethics and that just seems like the wrong thing to do. Ahhh...I am trying to think positively and just keep applying and praying but the worry is starting to sink in.

That is why I wish to be fearless, so that I can take things head on without having this dread and worry inside of me. I feel like if I was fearless, my steps would be light and my breathing deep because I would have the courage and confidence to take it all in with an immense amount of clarity so I can deal with it all (ulcer, job search, Korea, confusion...). My youth is really turning into a crazy journey but I feel like soon it will start to calm down and I will finally find some clarity about my life and what I will do in the future.

 For now I am going to bury my head in another book and see how someone else's life unfolds.

As usual I have a lot on my mind. It makes me smile how much I love writing. I didn't get to write yesterday because I stayed over at a friends (a break I really needed), but I had that longing to write my thoughts out. I feel so much clearer once I write. For the past few days I have been talking to two of my close friends about everything going on with me as far as being sick, family, fear(s), and pretty much everything I have been holding inside of me for the past couple of weeks.

It felt really good to have someone listen to me and then share their advice with me. I'm the one always giving advice and it felt good to have someone do the same for me, and for someone to just listen and let me vent out my frustrations. Even though it felt good to do that, it felt incomplete. Only I have the power to fix me and the things in my life that are in my power to change. I think when you share a part of yourself with other people you have to be willing to not hear what you want to hear. They will not always agree with you, and they might give you tough love, but I know we need that. I need that. I am grateful to have that.

I don't like to tell others about my issues because I don't like to bother or burden them with it. At least I feel like me telling them would bother or burden them, but I know I can't live my life holding myself at a distance from everyone. I am grateful for the people in my life who can deal with my moody self and still love me for me. I don't want to complain to them, but I am glad at the same time when they let me vent. We all need those moments of venting our frustrations. I feel a lot better emotionally these days, but those same frustrations are still there.

I told my friend the other the thing I have been afraid to say out loud since I got out of the hospital. I am terrified that something else will happen to me or around me that will become another obstacle stopping me from going to Korea. I am scared to feel that same joy and excitement again because I know what the other side feels like. I'm scared to dream and hope because that "what if" lingers on my tongue. What if....happens and I don't get to go. I'm scared to be passionate about going to Korea only to lose it once again. I'm scared to want it again and end up losing it again. I felt like even though I worked so hard and did everything right I still lost. All of those thoughts have been running through my head these past few weeks and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about them. I don't feel that same energy and motivation because I just keep thinking that it is better to hold back so I protect myself if I fall again. Kind of what an athlete feels when they get hurt and they are scared of putting that same strength in their sport because they know what it is like to get hurt and to lose.

I don't know if that makes sense but another way of putting it is someone who is scared to love again because the first time they got their heart shattered. I am scared to try again because I don't think I could take another obstacle getting in my way. I told my friend all these things and she said to me that everything that has happened isn't going to stop me as long as I don't let it. If I want to go to Korea, I will make a way to get there. She  talked about how when you have a dream you really want you won't give up when things get rough. She is right, even with all those fears and doubts I still have a passion to go to Korea. To test the waters and see how far I can go there. I haven't given up, but I have been shaken up. She said it is okay to be scared but you have to get through the fear and give yourself time to feel that motivation and drive for going to Korea. I love her like a sister, and I am glad we talked because my heart felt a lot lighter after.

I love everything Korean. The food, fashion, music, art, dramas, and most aspects of the culture. It makes me smile when I hear people speaking in Korean and I can pick out some of the words. I love learning about Korea; its people and history are fascinating to me. I want to go, and I know someway and somehow God will get me there. The biggest thing out of this situation is that I will appreciate my time there in a way not many could. I will enjoy it more, explore more, and be less afraid to take things on because I know how precious life and time is. God gave me a second chance at life when I didn't get on that plane, and I don't want to waste it living with regrets.

I want to forge my own destiny and enjoy the ride without worrying too much about the destination. Life is meant to be lived and I think I have spent to much time planning and not living. I think the biggest thing is staying positive and focused. I haven't unpacked my suitcases because they are a reminder that I am not here to stay and that I will be going one day soon. I have five months left here, and for me it seems like a dreadfully long time but I feel like God has something prepared for me. His reason for giving me this time here, maybe I am supposed to do something, or maybe I am supposed to meet someone and I would have missed that if I left them. I have no idea why, but I believe there is a reason and in hindsight I will know it.

Each day is a learning experience for me. I grow and change with each passing moment. That is what experience is all about. I'm not perfect. I have my flaws, but that is what makes me unique, and makes me me. I used to be the queen of plans, but I am learning all about the beauty in the breakdown. I don't have any definite plans when it comes to my life anymore because life changes in an instant and I want to try and go with the flow of things. I want to let the winds carry me to different destinations. I want to be blown away across this world and see what is has to offer. I want to be fluid and dynamic and I hope to get to that point in my life one day. Where I just have a deep and unshakable sense of self.

The only thing in my life that I am remotely sure of is my passion for Korea and my desire to go there and try living life somewhere new and breakout of my box to see what else is out there. I've never been one to think anything comes easy so I know it won't be perfect or simple. I do know that no matter what it will be worth it. Anything that allows for self-discovery is worth it, and I am so ready to discover. I'm taking it one day at a time, and one step at a time and remembering to believe in the beauty of my dreams so that I can live the life I have always imagined.

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~

I woke up a few minuted ago with an enormous headache. It always happens just in the temple area and I just feel like crap right now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks for a number of reasons. First, I keep having weird dreams and sometimes really bad nightmares. The kind that gives you shivers while soaking you in sweat. I wake up with a feeling of dread of what today will bring and I go to sleep dreading what I will see. You see, before I never really dreamed and if I did I never remembered them but now I dream and the dreams are always really weird and don't seem to make sense. The nightmares are even worse, and I never really feel safe when I am sleeping anymore.

I usually try and sleep with music on to blot out that darkness in my mind but it isn't helping much these days. I wake up feeling like something is very wrong, but I don't know what it is. I have been sleeping on the coach for the past 4 months and there is no privacy or quiet. No one cares, and each morning I wake up with a jolt from the voices around me. My cousins are loud, obnoxious, and always fighting. My mom is talking on the phone so loud it sounds like she is yelling. My grandma is cooking and the blender is like a chainsaw to my head. I try to stay up as late as possible so that when I fall asleep it will be instant, but then a wake up in the middle of this madness and haven't gotten enough sleep.

I can't sleep. My appetite is not that great. I am bored. I am stressed by problems that aren't mine. I am really really tired of it/them all. I feel stretched in so many directions and I don't want to be put in the middle of things. I want people to solve their own problems and stop dragging me in. My whole system is overloading and I am worried about the damage. I love my family, and I would sacrifice what I could for their benefit, but I can't sacrifice anymore. I can't give anymore. I just want some peace and quiet in my life and that isn't even happening.

Love makes us liars, sacrificers, enemies, friends, family, comrades, believers, poets, fools, damamged....etc. We all sacrifice something of ourselves and our lives for those we love. We sacrifice our dreams, jobs, hopes, selves, and etc. We sacrifice and suffer everyday for the people we love. When will it be enough? When will things change? When will we stop?

I'm feeling pretty emotional these days. I feel disappointed, angry, hurt, used, sad, frustrated, upset, and broken. I can't make people change. I can't fix everything for them. I can't fight their battles for them. I can't , won't , and don't want to. Everyday it's the same stories, fights, battles. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can't say more than I have said, do more than I have done. There is nothing left to give or to sacrifice. I just want to move on, move past this all, and get started on my own life and dreams.

I'm not someone who lives in the past wishing things had been different. The past is the past, but we have power over our present and our future. There is still time to change it, to make it better than it is now. I just wish the people around me would see that. There is still hope for better days if you just believe and actually try to make things different, to make things change. My tears are washed away and my throat is sore from my words. Everything is up to them. I won't be dragged down when all I want is to soar up.

We all wish things could be different, but how many of us actually try to change it?

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Begin Rant:
You know what is the most annoying thing, having three kids call your name incessantly everyday. I used to really like kids until my cousins moved in with out and I became something of a mom overnight. I used to think I wanted my own little brood one day and now I am not even sure I would want more than one if even that. Kids are nice when you get to send them to someone else to deal with.

My personality is the type that likes organization and quiet and most importantly I really don't like to be bothered and kids don't care one bit about asking you a zillion questions that make no sense except to them. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate kids but these days I don't really like them. This whole experience of taking care of the three of them, making their meals, doing their laundry, checking their homework, and etc has made me realize how I don't want that kind of life...at least no anytime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't have kids or get married till my thirties.

Kids and marriage is a 24/7 commitment that I do not want anytime soon. I want to be independent and selfish while I can cause once I cross that bridge I come second to my family. I don;t have the patience or endurance for that role. Plus I kind of feel nauseous and shudder when I think about being a mom or wife which really tells me that life is not for me anytime soon. I like doing my own thing, not having to check in with anyone, and just going my own way. I don't want that to change...for now. Plus these kids drive me CRAZY!!!

End Rant:)

For some reason I am feeling really sleepy right now but I need to write my thoughts out so my mind can be a little bit clearer. I really miss college. I miss everything about it but my classes. I just miss the atmosphere of having everyone around me and always having something to do. It was nice having my own space and being able to make it homey and comfortable. It was nice having my friends around and just being able to call them up and then 5 minutes later we are hanging out. I miss the closeness and the freedom of college. It really was a time of discover, growth, change, and so many other things.

I think I am beginning to understand why older people always say nothing is the same after college, college is the best time of your live....etc. For me college really was the best time of my life...so far. It gave me four years on my own to just grow, shift, change, triumph, fail, and so many other things. College gave me time to be a teen and then a young adult who finally had a chance to make my own decisions, stay out late, make mistakes and face the consequences, fail and pick myself back up, and meet people who helped me either for a moment or even longer. College with all its sadness, happiness, laughter and miserable moments of insecurity and doubt made me a better me. Each year layered with new experiences and challenged etched memories inside of me.

Now that all of that is over I miss it. I miss it everyday. I miss my friends mostly and my freedom. I miss my independence even more. College gave me distance from my family. The first time I could stay out late, go to parties, chill out with guys, and etc. Growing up I was/am a pretty sheltered kid. Especially since I am a young woman. In my culture daughters are always over protected and even though it was hard always being the kid who never got to really do those teenage things I am glad because it kept me out of trouble.

College gave me a taste of that life but I had the mind to make sure it didn't get too far. It was just fun and sooo liberating. I miss my freedom and maybe that is one of the hardest things about being home. Living under my mom's roof and having to change my life to fit in with everyone else's around me. I'm not a selfish daughter. No I am my mom's right hand most of the time but these days I am just really tired of that position. I just want to go my own way and test the waters. I have been watching out, cleaning up, and looking out for everyone in my family for so long that I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

Now I barely get to see any of my friends because of the distance between all us both physically and mentally. Life literally gets in the way of friendships. Either people are still in school, getting married, traveling, working, or whatever else they are doing and we all just get busy with our own lives that we don't have time to intertwine with others. Especially if they are not in close proximity to us. It is really a major bummer because I love my friends and miss them like crazy. It make me worry whether or not we will all still be friends down the road or will it just be the occasional hello, how's life shallowness?

I want them to figure it out themselves, to find that strength and motivation inside them to make their dreams come through and be willing to work hard and endure whatever comes their way. I don't want to be pulling their weight and mine anymore. I don't have anymore to give because I have given so much already. Going to South Korea is one of the first things in my life that I am doing for me, just for me. It is something that others might not approve of, but it is something I want and need to do for myself. Some people don't understand that but it doesn't even matter anymore. I have made up my own mind that from now on I am not going to live my life making decisions that make everyone happy but me. I am going to do the things I want to do as long as I don't hurt anyone in the process. I am going to give myself the time to find my own path or create it if I have to.

I always want to make my family happy and never disappointed so I try to walk the path they want me to. But this past year I realized I will only end up regretful and bitter if I don't make my own choices. I always describe myself like a bird. I am ready to fly, to stretch my wings towards the sky and see how high and far I can go. I am ready for that freedom and independence. I need it. It is like a rite of passage into being an adult in my mind. You need to explore, create, and discover while your young and while you can. As we get older life catches up to us and we don't get those same chances. So while I can, I want to test those waters and dive in to the deep end.

I love my family but distance really does make the heart grow fonder. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself and my family because there wasn't any other choice. My dad had left and my mom was always working. When you grow up having to fend for yourself most of the time you learn to be independent very fast. It is a part of me now. I like being alone, living my own life, dealing with my problems on my own. That is my strength and my weakness. I can handle things but at the same time I don't let anyone in. There is a distance between me and everyone else. I like it and at the same time I wish someone would take care of me and help me figure things out. I guess that is why I write because I can't speak what is in my heart and mind. I find peace in writing.

Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive with no destination in mind just to get away from the chaos and responsibilities I never chose. I cannot shake the sense of not belonging that I feel here. My room has been taken over by my cousins.  My life is pretty much in suitcases. I have nothing to claim as my own and no space to call mine. I am someone who NEEDS space like a person needs to breathe. I like my solitude and quietness. Things that are in short supply these days. I sleep on the couch in the living room because I gave up my room to my cousins. It was no big deal when I was in college since I was only home on breaks, and even this summer it didn't matter because I was supposed to leave at the end of the summer, but now it just sucks not having my home anymore.

I have no place I can crash at, plus I don't want to disrupt someone else's life with my own burdens. Also if I did that who would watch the kids, make them dinner, and take care of them? As much as I want to be selfish I know that for now I can't do that. I have to do the right thing even when the right thing sucks major butt! We all make sacrifices in our lives and dreams to help others. We give up our desires because we have to take care of someone else. I just hope I don't have to give it up permanently. I think we (I) have to remember that we need to take care of our mind, body, heart, soul, and dreams too. We don't let our wishes stay in the background forever just because we have to fulfill someone else's wish.

I'm not that selfless. I have a dream and a vision for myself and my life and one day it will become my reality. I will work hard to reach it and make it real no matter what or who tries to pull me away from it. So I say to you don't ever give up on the desire's of your heart. If it is meant to be then it will be. I believe that with all my heart.

Distance is both a blessing and a curse depending on the people and the circumstances. I need distance from some and not from others. I just need to be free and I cannot do that here where everything is the same. Everyone is moving on with their own lives and it is about time I do the same. There is nothing wrong with change, change is probably one of the few constants in life. The only problem is when you are the one left behind.


Fighting!!!
~Lola O.~

I am feeling a lot better physically and mentally these days in a lot of ways. I still have to take my medication for another month or so but after that by God's grace everything should be back to normal. The doctor said my anemia was caused by the internal bleeding so since that is all taken care of my blood count has gone to normal and I can feel it in my body. It is nice not to feel tired all the time anymore!

I have been reading a lot of books since I have all this free time. I just finished the Mortal Instruments Trilogy by Cassandra Clare and I LOVE IT. I have to say it was better than The Twilight Series in a lot of ways. The best thing about it was the awesome lines the characters would throw out. Cassandra definitely has something special about her and I am looking forward to her new books. What I love about reading is just how unrealistic the stories can be and that is what makes them fabulous. I mean when I watch movies or tv I don't want to see what happen in real life on my screen. The whole point is to escape from life and immerse myself into a story. It's like teleportation of the mind or something into some far of galaxy where anything is possible.

I like to have fun and laugh when I read or watch something. Yeah, all reading isn't about that sometimes you need the boring to learn but for the most part I believe it should always be fun even if it is sometimes boring. The other day I saw the movie Fame and I really liked it. But then again I really like musicals, and cheesy stories of teens/young adults going after their dreams because it relates to me. We are all going after our dreams and trying to figure out what the heck to do with our lives. I felt inspired after I left and was smiling from happiness. It was a nice reminder not to give up on our dreams but to remember that success is defined by our choices and what we believe.

Now onto the title of this entry, Faith. Faith is threefold for me. Having faith in myself, God, and the world I live in.

I think the reason I get so anxious and scared when I really want something is because I don't believe I will really get it. Today I was sitting down feeling that itch to put my thoughts into words and in my mind I kept thinking why don't I just believe? Why don't I just believe in myself or that the dreams I have for myself will come true. There is no one answer for that. I am a realist so I know that sometimes no matter how much you believe in yourself or your dreams they don't always work out. I don't want to hold onto blind faith and end up stuck in a rut. On the other hand the dreamer inside of the realist says why not just believe and wait to see what happens before you decide anything. Why not just have that faith that if you work hard enough and never give up it will all work out. I've never been the optimistic kind of person so that just doesn't work for me.

I see the world as it is and then analyze how it could be if this or that changed. Life is organic, it is constantly changing so I am always trying to plan ahead for any kind of scenario instead of just believing that the scenario I want will be the one that comes through. It is like my belief in myself and my dreams are limited by me and my lack of faith in the goodness of the world around me. When I think about all the bad and evil things in the world it makes me cautious to believe in it. It seems like all those bad things are overshadowing the good in the world and making it a really scary place.

It makes me feel blessed to wake up today; alive, healthy, and loved. Some people didn't get to wake up today and some who woke are in a nightmare. We think we are so safe and protected but everyday we are vulnerable to all that bad and evil in this world. So I feel like each day I am alive is a miracle in and of itself. To me Life is the most precious gift God have to all of us so whatever we can do to live it well and to help others is what we should do. I think about all those people my age who feel alone and lost and I just wish there was something I could do to reach and inspire them. Even though being lost sucks, I think it is a necessary part of life because during those lost period you get to discover and create yourself. Figure out what is important to you and what you want to. You have to be lost in order to be found or to find...if that makes sense.

So then all that is left is my faith in God. I believe in God. I have faith in Him but I feel like there is a part of myself that keeps holding me back from fully embracing him. Is it fear or doubt? I have no idea but I feel like my grip is slipping from his and that soon I am going to fall. I am not interested in religion or the politics behind it. I believe in my relationship/friendship with God. Like a solid rock that gives me shelter from the storm. I just feel like my faith is limited and I don't know how to break through that boundary in my mind.

Faith and belief are tricky emotions/feelings. It is so much easier to have faith in others and to encourage them but when it comes to myself it gets all tangled up. I keep wondering what it feels like to just believe and have faith is something with all your heart that no obstacle or person could detour you from achieving it. That is the kind of faith I would like to have, where you just believe, period.

See the hardest part of faith is when yours is tested, challenged, shattered, and etc and you have to rebuild it...but no matter what it is never that same faith. Either it has grown or diminished as a consequence of whatever happened. When I think about going to Korea my faith in myself and that dream is tested. I keep thinking how close I was to making that dream come true and then in a matter of minuted it shattered and I had/have to start all over again. All that work and effort I put into it has to be done all over. I get scared that something else will happen to detour me from going or maybe I am not supposed to go. All that passion I had before isn't the same. I am more cautious with my heart and effort as if protecting myself just in case things get out of control again. I think a big part of faith is the innocence you have. But like a child when something happens you can/t/don't believe as easily anymore. That clarity and hope is gone and reality sinks into that dream.

I've lost that blind faith that if I work hard enough, believe hard enough, and give it my best that it will all work out as I have hoped because I have seen how untrue that is. Sometimes you don't get what you want or need, sometimes you fall or fail, and sometimes you get screwed and stepped over, and sometimes you change and those dreams aren't yours anymore. But the question that remains for me and you is whether or not we give up on ourselves, those dreams, or the life we want. Will you give up?

There is no right or wrong answer because each answer belongs to the individual that makes it. It is a choice; my choice, your choice to make and live with. As far as Korea goes I won't give up because I know that the regret of not trying or going would be something that would haunt me. I won't give up because even though my faith is shaky it still exists inside of me and it carries me through. No matter what happens I fill find a way...my way to that destination because in my gut I know going there and having those experiences is something I need to do. I am trusting that God also thinks that my going there is where I am supposed to be for right now and if it isn't then he will show me another direction to travel. I believe that, no matte what my mind mind be saying I believe and have faith my heart that it will all work out in my favor. That God is watching over and out for me and when it is time and I am ready it will all come together.

Right now I am learning to breathe and let go. To just go after my dreams and not worry about the what ifs and maybes of life. I cannot live my life trying to predict all the ways things could go wrong. No I just have to do it and hope for the best while being aware that it doesn't always work out. While my faith is shaky my hope is solid. I have hope for myself that each trial I go through will not tear me down but make me stronger and wiser. This unpredicted situation I am in has taught me that life really can change in an instant and you cannot and will not be able to predict or prepare in advance. When it happens, when your life changes and alters you just have to do your best to get through it. You have to believe you will get through it because the other option is not one to choose.

I have five months left here, and some days that feels like eternity but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and most of the time we have no clue why or what that reason is. I know that I got a second chance at my life that day because if I had gotten on that plane I might have not made it to the destination alive but God have me my life back and a second chance to do it better. The hardest thing is getting through that blockage of fear and getting back on my feet and putting that passion and effort into preparing to go to South Korea. I think as each day passes by I gain a little more of myself back and in time I will have that passion and energy again.

It is hard to not just be what you want to be. God has given me time to heal my body and rest my soul so I am taking it one day at a time and discovering and creating bit and pieces of myself along the way. Isn't that what growing up is all about?

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

My favorite time of day is when everyone is sleeping and I am the only one awake in the house. It is night outside and I am in my own little world where nothing and no one can/will disturb me. I can put on my headphones and let the music create my background. The best part about this time of day is writing my thoughts out. The only light is from the glow of my computer screen and I can let my thoughts flow freely without any intrusions.

There is comfort and peace in this moment of time. Those are feelings I really need these days. I have come to terms with my situation for the most part and these days I am feeling pretty good physically and emotionally except for the occasional gloomy moment. My dear friend is back in town and it is nice having her here. A person who takes me for who I am and doesn't judge; a very good friend. I could use more of those right now.

It is hard being here because I am not the same person I was and neither are the people here. We went off to college and went our separate ways, and now I am here and I don't really belong anymore...even though I am not sure I ever did. My place is not here, and the people around me don't seem to understand this. This place is not my home anymore and things won't go back to how they were...neither will I. I might not be completely sure about who I am or where I am going but I am sure of who I am not and where I won't go. Even if I hadn't decided to go to Korea I wouldn't have come back home.

Home has never been a place for me. When your parents move around every few years you learn not to get comfortable. My home is my family, but even more so my home is where/what I create. It is of my own choosing and it isn't here. I love my community and the people who have been blessings in my life but I cannot stay here. I cannot stay here because there is no freedom or peace here. It is chaotic and unstable and that is the last thing I need or want in my life. I want to be able to stand on solid ground and no I am not going to sink. I want to find out what I am made of and what I am capable of, and those are things I cannot do here.

Here I am the dependable daughter, the peacemaker, the good friend. I need/want a fresh start where I can just be me. No labels or responsibilities not of my choosing. I want a chance to just be myself and figure out who I am. I want a chance to find some harmony in my life. I really need that time and independence to find those answers. I used to know me, know where I was going, what I would do with my life...but all of that has been unraveling these past few years and now I don't know anything at all. I don't have any concrete plans. All I have out dreams and visions for myself and the kind of life I want to have.

Happiness is the most important aspect of creating that harmony in my life. I think happiness is a shape-shifter that changes with time and the experiences we have. My experiences are limited and too safe. I haven't done anything to shake things up, to see how far I can go, how much I can endure, and I truly believe you can't be truly living if everything is easy and safe. Life is not meant to be easy and safe. It is hard, twisted, and unpredictable. It is that unpredictability that is both wondrous and dangerous. I want/need a chance to explore and discover myself. To challenge my mind, heart, and body and in a way understand it more.

With each entry things (I) become clearer. Being here is hard because it isn't what I want but these five months might just be what I need to find a little more clarity before I take the plunge into self-discovery. I think I am finally coming to terms with everything that has happened within this last month. My life changes in a moment soaked in the unpredictability of life and it has taken me this long to catch up and understand. Life is precious; too precious to waste living by others expectations, doing things you have no passion for, or settling for a life you never wanted. Life is too precious not to take a chance, risk, and challenge. (My) Life is to precious, period to waste.

All the bitterness and anger inside of me for the unfairness I felt is flowing out of me and all that is left it the determination to live the life I have imagines. To paint the portrait of my life by my own means and vision and not those of those of others. I have no idea what these next 5 months will hold but I do believe that I can make the most of it. That God and Life is giving me time here, in this place for a reason, and I just need to find the patience to wait and find out. I have 5 months to prepare for the next stage of my life, one that is of my own choosing. Going to Korea is not about money for me. That is just icing on the delicious cake. My wanting to go to Korea is a chance, risk, and challenge for me. It is an opportunity to see what I am capable of and learn more about who I am. Most all it is is different from what I know and I am passionate about going there for a lot of reasons.

It is a chance for a fresh start, away from the safety and chaos of all that I know. All I want is a chance to see what else this world has to offer and what I can offer in return. Going to Korea is the only thing I am sure of in my life right now so I hold onto it tightly and it makes it harder to be here. But like all things this is a challenge that will test and teach me. Let's see what the next 5 months bring and what changes come my way. I pray that it will bring me one step closer to finding/creating that harmony in my life.

~Lola O.~

I've had this song on repeat for the past few days. It is definitely up there in my list of top songs. There is just something about a song that moves you, touches your heart and soul, and in its own way heals you, or makes you dream. That is what great music does for me. I find songs that inspire, understand, challenge, but most of all give me peace. When I listen to this song and close my eyes it is like a story begins to form in my mind and this song is the background for the story that is taking place.

Today one of my best friends moved back here and I am really glad to have her back. I need a good friend right now. I've been thinking a lot (as usual) since my last blog entry and even though I don't have any answers and nothing has changed I am realizing that I can't keep moping around for the next 5 months. I have to move on and make the most of the time I have here. Laughter has become my greatest medicine. I love watching shows that make me laugh because when I am laughing I am not thinking of anything else and boy does it feel good to laugh. I think it is a gift to have people in your life that can truly make you laugh and smile. Nothing is more healing than that. I love to laugh it feels wonderful down to the tips of my feet. That feeling of being happy.

I think a lot of how I am feeling is that I am afraid that I won't ever go. I'm scared that something else will happen to me or that my position will be revoked. I am terrified of the what ifs and my fear is getting the best of me. I'm scared my dream will drift away. This song describes how I am feeling right now...

 

Today I turned 22, and I have more questions about my life than answers. Sometimes I think being a planner is a curse because when the plan changes, gets destroyed, or is just lost in the chaos you (I) become stuck in what I like the call the twilight zone. Not like that tv show this twilight zone is more like being in limbo, where you are not moving forward but neither are you moving backward. You are stagnant and for some reason unable to get out of this twilight zone which really is more of a state of mind than a physical limitation.

Today is my birthday, my day to feel all special and celebrate my life and for some reason all day I haven't been feeling in the birthday spirit to be honest I haven't been feeling well period. I woke up from  weird/bad dream and just felt really sick and on and on and on. My stomach has become my enemy this past few months. I got up ate breakfast and started my b-day day. I went and saw Love Happens, which I would recommend for the men and the ladies. I felt like it was more of a movie about healing that romance. I really liked how they did the story. I guess I would call it refreshing. My cousin and his wife came and brought me balloons. I haven't walked around with balloons since middle school it was a funny but sweet feeling. They took me to lunch and we walked around and I bought myself a little b-day present, but all day long I just has a very dissatisfied feeling which really kept me from truly enjoying myself.

It wasn't that I was thinking about my b-day plans in South Korea it was more about just me turning 22 and wondering where I am going, who will I be, and what will I be doing. I was thinking about the other 22 year olds out in the world and wondering how they are doing. I guess I felt/feel like I haven't really accomplished anything. Yeah, I graduated from university in May but since then I have been stuck in this twilight zone of limbo and it makes me feel trapped. I feel trapped here, where everything is as it's been and none of it is what I want. I came home and took a 4 hour nap which is pretty sad that I was easily exhausted like that on my b-day. It is like I don't even know my body anymore. I woke up and everything is the same, everything except for me. I have been changing a lot in the last year, coming into my own skin, making up my mind about my life, and it feels like all that is unraveling the longer I stay here where everything and everyone is the same.

When I turned 21 it was a year of letting go for me. Letting go of bad friends, of my perfectionist attitude towards myself, and most of all letting go of others expectations for me. I learned a lot about myself as a 21 year old and although I have always has a firm grasp of myself that year let me show others that I am who I am and you can either except me for me or get out of my way. This definitely came into play in the friendships I kept and the ones I let go of. I'm the kind of person that isn't someone's friend for a moment or some random blah blah, I am a friend for as long as you act as one which I always hope will be a long time to come. I hate when you have those friends who are friends when it is convenient for them but otherwise it's see you later. I used to put up with that but then I realized that was unacceptable. You are either my friend or you are not. I am not interested in any in between. Being 21 was a year of self-discovery, new beginnings, but mostly lots of endings.

Now at 22 all that I learned at 21 hasn't really changed today but now I have more questions, fewer answers, less friendships...I guess this is life after college. This period of limbo and solitude was supposed to end with summer because I was supposed to start fresh in a new place but that has been pushed back till February so here I am stuck once again in the twilight zone.

I titled this entry Heart, because that is the area of my body that is in disarray. My heart held/holds my dreams, plans, feelings, motivation, passion, and etc but right now it is a heart that is lost and I could really use some comfort. One of my favorite quotes about writing says "we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. -Anais Nin

Writing has become my heart's only comfort right now. It is the one way I know of expressing myself in a way speaking never could. There is just something about taking that pen or typing away on the keyboards that brings comfort to me. Writing has become my drug of choice, just like music. Those are the two ways my thoughts become less chaotic. The other day I bought a sketch pad on impulse. When I was younger I used to draw to free my mind but then writing took over. I guess we will see what becomes of the sketch pad. I feel like I am just looking for an outlet of understanding. I thought I was done with all these growing pains but it seems like they are still going on and it sure is a painful kind of feeling; the not knowing.

Today I was thinking about the poem "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," by one of my favorite authors Maya Angelou and feeling like it describes how I feel at this moment in my life. I am that caged bird but I don't sing, no my writing becomes my voice, freedom, and in a lot of ways my peace. My favorite line,

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

pretty much sums up how I feel at this moment if I were completely honest with myself. I feel like my dreams have been put in a coma and as each day passes by they slip farther and farther way from me. It's like no one around me understands how hurt I am right now being here. It is not me being bitter, no it is me being/feeling sad. I am sad and as much as I try to smile and laugh and just live, each day I feel sad because my dreams seems to be lying six feet under leaving me stranded in this twilight zone of limbo. I'm the kind of person who feels things more deeply than others. So this sadness that I feel doesn't just go away with the snap of my fingers. I don't know how to move past it and move on. I don't know how to let it go and maybe it is that I don't want to let it go. But, I really do. I don't want to be sad and be that person who lives wishing things were different. I want to live my life. I am young and by God's grace I will have lots of time to live my life so I don't want to spend it holding on to the should have been mantra. That leads to nowhere.

The problem is I have no idea what to do, I spend a lot of my time praying, thinking, writing, and listening to music but nothing takes the shadows away. Maybe, I just need to give myself time. Life has given me the next 5 months to recuperate from this sickness and maybe I just need to stop fighting the time I have here and instead utilize it. Give myself the next 5 months to figure things out and clear my mind. Maybe that is why God made all of this come out. I keep thinking about  why this happened and what God wants me to do but I never have answers and I am still not knowing. I literally and figuratively am stuck and it is wearing me down. I am tired, and I cannot get the rest and peace I need where I am right now, but I can't leave because I have responsibilities to my family and I have nowhere else to really go right now. I am really longing for freedom right now but for a time I will be that caged bird who longs to be like the free birds and soar towards the heavens.

My heart is tired today and tomorrow will be one month since all of this happened. In this past month recovery hasn't been easy but each day I am getting stronger and healing my body and my mind slowly. I guess I am just trying to rebuild my wings again and make them stronger and more able to withstand this world. I don't want to stay on the earth when I could fly and feel the winds cover me as the sun shines down on me. I want to fly and see how far I can go and I want to do it on my own. I  want to find my own destination in this life and make my own journey. One that is created from my own expectations and not others. I can't hold their hands anymore or smooth their paths for them. I have to let them and this all go because at the end of the day it is me that suffers and I just cannot do it anymore. I am too tired to do it anymore. No one is holding my hand or smoothing my path. No one if comforting me or protecting me. I have been doing that for myself for a long time and probably will keep doing that.

I'm not really sure any of this even makes sense but writing never has been about making sense for me. It lets me express myself completely without any pretenses and I really need that outlet right now. I am thankful to God for letting me celebrate my 22nd year of life and I pray that he continues to protect, guide, love, bless, and shield me in this existence. I pray that all the questions I have about myself and my life get answered and that I find my wings once again and finally get to fly. I pray for this year to be one of opportunities beyond my expectations, friends who become family, love, and most of all peace in my heart, work, life, mind, and everything in between. I pray that I get to celebrate my 23rd year in South Korea and that I have grown even more into the person I am to be. AMEN

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

Next Saturday is my 22nd birthday and it has made me start thinking of life in your twenties and just about growing up in general. But before I get into that I feel like God gave me a really great gift which just happens to be two of my closest friends coming in to town, one for a weekend, and the other for a while I hope. We have all known each other since our pre-teen days and it is just nice having them around. I missed them, I missed having my friends around and I am very glad to have them back.

A lot of my friends are working, traveling, getting married, or still in Tucson so it makes it hard to connect with them and they are all so busy with their own lives that I don't want to burden them with mine. It is hard meeting new people here, because I am not working or taking classes. I have all this time but I have it to myself and when you have too much time to yourself you tend to think too much and that becomes a problem. I am glad to have the people who know me well around so I can feel less alone and find those friends that I need close to home. I have to wait another week, but I am very excited to have my friend back in town cause I missed her a lot.

If I didn't have this overwhelming dream to go to Seoul then I probably would have taken the finance position I was offered and moved in with her while I prepared for law school. That would be and still is the safe option. I've been playing it safe my whole life I think...no I know it is time for me to take a risk and see where it takes me. That brings me to thinking about my life. This tends to happen to me around my birthday because I am getting older and it makes me think what have I done so far in my life and what will I do next. I just don't want to waste time chasing after things and never finding my niche in this world. I want to have a successful and fulfilling career, I want to get married and be a mom eventually in the distant future, and I want to make my dreams into reality. I want to travel to different places, experience different ways of life and doing things, and just be more than I am now.

I try not to compare myself to others for the most part because everyone has their own individual story but sometimes I look at young people who are around my age who have done so much at such a young age. It kind of makes me go wow, ummm I need to get my life together and catch up. Those kind of thought come into play once in a blue moon. I know that everyone has their own path and abilities and I just have to find/create mine. Yesterday, I was sitting in bed thinking out loud about what I am supposed to do to make a difference in this world and having no idea what it is. I am going to be 22  and I still have not figured out what I am supposed to do with my life as far as a career goes to make a difference in this world for the better.

I want to bring a little more light into this world that seems to be overshadowed by the darkness or corruption, death, lies, and the endless list goes on. There is just so much "bad" in this world and I want to bring more good into it but I am not sure of how to go about it. Everyone tells me my twenties are about discovering who I am and who I am not but it feels like a very slow process of discovery. Maybe that is due to the comfort of my environment and that is exactly why I don't want to stay here. I don't want to live a comfortable life in the sense that everything is simple and easy around me. No I want challenges, experiences, ups and downs, I want life and to be part of the living. I want to see how far I can go before I can't take another step.

I'm going to be 22 years old and I feel like if I don't take the time to explore my options I am going to end up settling for the easy and safe life and regretting never taking that risk. *Sigh* yes thinking to much seem to be an incurable disease for me...even with all these confusing thoughts running through me I feel like it is all going to be okay! One day I'm going to figure it our, figure me out, and then live the life I have imagined as my reality. I don't know who I will become in the future, and even now the present seems a bit vague but I am going to keep pressing on, making mistakes, having moments of triumphs, falling and getting back up again until it all makes sense. Until I reach that moment of infinite clarity.

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Yesterday I woke up and began to pray about everything in my life that is causing me stress and worry and then I got up and did the things I had been wanting to. Like going through my luggage for Korea, reading, and figuring out what I want to do for the next six months. It felt good and today I feel pretty good. I got a little tired as the day progressed but overall I just have a feeling of peace in mind over me.

Yes, things didn't turn out the way I planned/dreamed/imagined it would but life goes in with or without me and I need to move on as well. This is not the end of the world, only a little hiccup on my path. The other night I sat in bed thinking about my future and the kind of job I want to have after Korea. I'm someone who often wonders what my purpose is, and what can I do to make this world or even a small part of it a better place. I think as my experiences deepen I will figure it out, the job I can do to help other people.

I think I am coming to terms with everything that has happened in the last two weeks and just letting go of what should,could, or would have been. I am letting go of the ifs and buts and just accepting that life happens and you get caught off guard in moments. The question is what do you do next, give up or fight back? I am not one to give up on my dreams so I am choosing to fight. Right now I need to focus on my health and remember God's promise to me (Jeremiah 29:11), which happens to be my favorite verse and the one that strengthens me in those dark moments.

I'm too young to carry the weight of the world and my shoulders and I shouldn't have to. I'm going to do my best to utilize the next six months to get myself even more prepared for Korea and have my own little moments of self-awareness and discovery. I guess things like this are all part of growing up and shaping into the person you want to be. Each experience is one we can learn from and I have definitely learned a lot in the last two weeks.

Having all this time on my hand with no job to keep me busy is hard for me. There is only so many times you can go to the mall, library, and etc. I am glad my tv shows will start in the next two weeks and I guess I am just going to have to find creative things to do like yoga or an art class. It is like I went through those 5 stages of grief and I am finally in the last one which is Acceptance.

I'm accepting the things that happened that I could not change and moving on with my life, but not giving up on my dreams. These past few days I have been thinking about all the reasons I want to go to Korea and I know that God sees and hears me and He will make it so. I will get to go there and God will make my path smooth.

I have always believed that everything happened for a reason, but a lot of the times we don't understand or realize why it happened. It just seems so unreal that this could happen to me. But it did and I have to deal with it and get my life back together. I know God gave me a second chance at life when He made all of this happen and it just wasn't my time to get on that plane and go because if I had I might not have made it there alive. So, I am choosing like my family said to look at the positive things from this situation. I'm alive and that is the most important thing. Now I just have to get healthy and live my life. I have a lot of things I want to do in this world and I am not going to let anyone or anything keep me down including myself.

Haha...you can tell that today is a good day for me. My mind and heart feel a sense of clarity. It is like I got my faith and hope back for my life and dreams. I feel a little more like myself again. It feels good:)

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~

Honestly today is just not my day and I just have so much going on inside me that it feels like I am going to explode. I woke up this morning ready to start tackling things but had a dizzy spell after taking a shower and couldn't find the energy to do anything. My mind had one idea and my body another.

But that is not the point of this entry. Family is the title and therefore the subject of my craptastic mood. Today I read Sarah Dessen's "This Lullaby" and found myself relating the the main character Remy in that we both take care of the thing in our family or feel that we should. We are the fixers, dependables, crisis management, and so on people in our families and we shouldn't be those things because we are not supposed to be the adults. Well, I will be 22 so I am an adult but I have been an adult since I was a kid.

Fast version of my childhood is that my father left my mother for another woman and she has raised us alone since I was around 7 years old. Well when you are a single mom with three kids to take care and they have a dad who could care less if they ate or not you have to work two jobs and basically the kids end up raising themselves in a lot of ways. Being a kid from a "broken home" doesn't really give you the chance to be a "real kid." You have to be independent and get things done for yourself and you learn from an early age to make your own decisions and figure it out on your own. That is how I have been since I was 7 years old...and I think it was at that point that I became the dependable one for my mom and my siblings. I became the peacemaker, the fixer, the make sure everyone is getting thing done, the confidant for my mom. I was and am the kid who is the mom for her siblings and sometimes for her own mother. It is a role that I have played for so long it has become second nature to want to take care of everyone around me but I cannot do it anymore.

You can't make people better, and you cannot change them if they don't want to change. I'm the middle child and my older sister likes to call me the "emotional one." She's right, I have always felt more than others do concerning things and for me I get very emotional when it comes to my family. I don't want them to struggle, suffer, or live a harder life than they have to. I want us all to be happy and peaceful. Living our lives by going after our dreams and making our goals reality but as much as I wish for that kind of life it seems people want to make things harder than they have to be. There is only so much I can do or say to get through to them at some point i.e. right now I have to let go and just let them figure it out on their own. For me that is really hard, I cannot bare to see my family suffering because if they suffer I suffer. If they are sad then I am sad and so on goes the emotional rollercoaster of my life.

It is like they don't realize I am not going to be here forever to fix things and make them better. I have my own life and dreams ahead of me and I don't want to be held back worrying about what they are or are not doing. I tend to keep my feelings of disappointment in them inside but I am just getting sick and tired both literally and figuratively with them that the stress is too much. My family is my stressor point and probably always will be. I want my mom to organize her life and stop thinking what if's when it comes to the past. Your life is what it is and you cannot travel in time and change the places or people you met. You have to focus on now and bettering yourself and your life. You can't just rush into everything without a plan and expect it to work out and get disappointed when it doesn't. I want my sister to find her own strength and not rely on me to give her the magic words of clarity. I am not a magician and I am not full of wisdom. You have to (we all have to) find that inner strength to figure our lives our for ourselves and either make it happen or don't. We have to make our own choices and live with it.

There are things within our control and not within our control but those in our control lets take them head on and use our strength to triumph. I want my sister to be strong and have faith in herself. I want my brother to grow up and wake up. Life is not some little joyride where everything goes your way. Stop acting like a child and figure it our. Because I am not going to be your guide into life after high school. I want him to grow up and learn to be responsible for himself and grateful for and to those who help him. Focus on school, get a scholarship and make something of your life. Have a dream for yourself and find the motivation to make it real don't just wait for others to lead you along the way. No, figure it out, do some research. ask questions, and just get your crap together. You are not a little kid and no should be holding your hand. One of the these days you have to walk on your own two feet.

Today I am just feeling really disappointed in my family not just my mom and siblings but people who are family by blood or friendship who are really showing themselves to be selfish. I get it your busy, you have your own life and blah blah but taking one moment out of your oh so busy life for another person will not kill you. It is like we all get caught up in our own stuff and forget that others exist around us. Sometimes I just want to leave and not look back, but I know I could never do that. I just want to be able to leave knowing they are all going to be okay and walking down the right path even if I am not there. I've been like a mother since I was 7 years old and it not easy to let go and watch the people you love keep stumbling and falling when they don't have to. We all have the power to change our lives and yeah it isn't easy but man if we don't even try then what can we really say.

My family is causing me a lot of stress and heartache and a feel like an explosion is going to happen inside of me. Writing is the only thing that calms me in these moments. I love my family but sometimes loving them is hard and heartbreaking. They are really making me angry, sad, and stressed right now and that is the last thing I need while dealing with this ulcer situation. I am just feeling so tensed and I have no place to just catch my breath and just get away from it all. I need that place of serenity and peace in my life and I don't have it. I think that not being in Korea right now make it even worse. I don't want to be here. I literally have no place in this house to call mine. My room has been taken over by my bratty cousins and I am stuck on the coach. When I lived at home my room was the place where I could get away from all this chaos and find some semblance of peace but not anymore. I don't have the privacy and neatness I crave around me and it is driving me crazy.

Sometimes I wonder about how I am going to survive these next six months here like this. I was ready to start over, alone and on my own, finally able to start living my life for me and not others, but in an instant that all changed, and I am stuck here feeling utterly desolate. I need a break from the chaos of my family and I am not getting it. I need my own space, place, and life away from them and all the things they do that drive me crazy. I don't have anywhere I can go to get that for the next six months. Books, music, and dramas are distractions for moments but life only lets you have then for a bit before it intrudes in on you. I guess I am tired of this role. I don't want to be mom, peacemaker, advisor, fixer of all problems, solution master, and etc anymore. I just want to be a 21 years old trying to figure out her place in this world by making mistakes, having experiences, and just living my life. I'm learning that letting go is the only way to keep myself sane and that it is time to move on and as much as it us going to hurt watching them stumble and fall I can't be the one to pick them up and make it all better. They have to learn to get up or suffer the consequences. I'm learning the people you love the most are the ones' that hurt and disappoint you the most.

It hurts though watching them stumble and fall but now I am too tired to even reach out my hand anymore. I'm exhausted at 21 and I don't want to live my life like this. I can't live my life like this. I love my family but I am going to have to let them go and figure it out on their own. I don't think there is anything more that I can do...

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~

For the past two days I have been really really tired and I know it all has to do with everything going on with me, but it makes me feel so weak. I barely have energy to get out of bed to eat something. It's not like I can skip meals right now since I have to make sure I am eating my three meals a day of iron-rich foods minus the disgusting liver my mom tries to feed me.

I think everything is catching up to me and making me feel tired. My mind is tired and my body is tired, even my heart feels tired. At times like this I really wish I had a secret place to go to and rest. Some days I feel like my body is my enemy and is holding me back from doing the things I want to do. I guess I am just having my ups and downs these days. I know I need to give my body the time it needs to heal but being inactive after being an active person isn't fun. I feel like I am wasting each day by just sleeping and eating. It feels like I am become a baby once again especially with people treating me like one. I wish I was like the energizer bunny and could just recharge my batteries and be on my way.

Today one of my best friends turned 22 years old and on 9/19 I will turn 22 years old as well. I imagined how I would spend my 22nd b-day in Seoul and now I really don't want to think much about it. I keep thinking how time goes slow but ends up creeping on us really fast. I'm going to be 22 years old then 23, 24, 25, and the numbers keep going by God's grace and I keep wondering what will I have accomplished by those ages. What will my mark on this world be when I turn 22 in a few weeks. I'm thankful though for being able to turn 22 and be alive because it could have been a different story.

I think right now I feel very much alone in my thoughts and feelings. I miss my friends who are busy with their own lives. Some are still finishing up college while others are plunging ahead in the workforce and as for myself I am a college graduate who has to wait a little longer to make her dreams come true. Some days I convince myself that the wait will pass me by in an instant and other days it sinks in that six months will have been wasted away. I feel like time is precious in our twenties because those are the years we have to create our lives in this world. We have to figure out what we are going to do with our lives, we find jobs, love, failures, triumphs, happiness, sadness, and so on. I think everything is felt more in our twenties and if we are lucky we figure it all out before our thirties.

Today I was laying down and thinking about my life and how in 10 years I will be 31 and wondering about what will I be able to say about my life at that age. I really just hope to figure out what I am going to do with myself to support myself and make a future for me. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for my life but me. I know I think too much for someone of my age. But that has been my burden and gift since I was born. God created me like this but I just haven't figured out why. Not doing anything gives a person a lot of time to think about these sort of things.

I'm counting down the days till I get to leave this place for a new one. A new one filled with its own routines, roller coaster ups and downs, and whatever else life brings my way. I'm excited to embark on that journey on my own and for once having the responsibilities and challenges of being an adult. Living my own life based on my choices and accounting for them. I'm excited to see what I am capable off and for all those little and big moments of self-discovery.

I think the biggest comfort to me these past few days has to be my Ipod (hehe). I love music and it soothes me when the whole world seems to be my enemy. I remember sitting in the hospital bed wishing I had my music to drown out the sounds of monitors, nurses, and doctors that were making confining me. My little brother brought me my Ipod and I could let the music flow inside of me and wash away all the sad feelings. Music has always offered me unconditional comfort. Lately I have been playing Snow Patrol songs especially Chasing Cars and Open Your Eyes. I've also been listening to my wonderful Coldplay's Amsterdam and The Scientist and City and Colour's Against the Grain. Music heals my soul/heart/body/mind and makes me feel less trapped in this weakness of my body.

To be young and healthy is a great gift and right now I am just focusing on the being healthy again part. Each day holds its own trials but I am getting through it. As each days passes I get closer to finally embarking on my journey and I know the strength I lack now I will find and create in time.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

I have too much time on my hands, which has its good and bad moments. The good moments are when I am sleeping, reading, listening to music, or watching my endless supply of Asian dramas (Just finished 9E20, and almost done with ToGetHer. The bad moments are when I start to think about everything and I have that moment of sadness.

Even saying that I am feeling and doing better these past few days. I know I am here till the end of February so now I just need to find things to keep me occupied. I don't want to be sitting around the house for the next few months so I am crossing my fingers once my energy goes up that I can find some kind of seasonal or temporary job to give me something to do and earn some money. Living off my mom for the next six months is something I would rather not do.

Ever since I got out of the hospital I have been avoiding everything Korean because it made me sad/mad not to be experiencing it myself but now I have been reading up and getting my mind back in order. I like learning about South Korea and reading about people's experience so why should that stop? It shouldn't and I have the next six months to learn more about South Korea and its language. I think when I didn't get to go my mind just hated everything Korean but these past few days I have been realizing over and over why I want to go and that no matter what happens or comes my way I will go and I will enjoy it and myself to the fullest!

Everything changed but that doesn't mean I cannot eventually do the things I want to do. I just have to wait a little longer and in that time period I have to make the most of it. I think I just needed to find my courage again to start the process all over again. When I get scared I think about what if's/. What if they didn't really hold my spot? What if SMOE screws up again like it did with those 100 teachers and I lose my position before I even board the plane? What if some other obstacle come into my life? When I think about those things I start to get nervous.

I just remind myself there is more than one way to get to the same road! If this is something I really want to do then no matter what happens I will find a way to do it. Like the saying goes, when there is a will, there will be a way. I just have to remember to be positive and persistent and to trust that God sees and knows my heart's desire and he will make it real for me. I am going to put my trust in God and do my best to make my dreams come true no matter what.

Haha...a semi-happy post. I am becoming myself once again and like the rain that came these past two days I am washing away my bitterness, sadness, and anger and finding my happiness and gratitude for my life and my dreams once again. My body might not be strong right now but my mind is and I will make my dreams and goals come true. Right now I am going to concentrate of getting better and once I am back to my old self I am going to hopefully find a job that I like till February, and then I am going to get on that plane and finally start the beginning of my journey.

AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!
~Lola O.~

It is 10:00 PM and everyone in the house is sleeping but me and I am sitting up listening to G-Dragon's solo album and grinning because for some reason his voice just makes me want to smile. Which is good thing cause smiles take away the sadness. That is the power of music for me, it heals and soothes me like nothing else. It is amazing when you are having one of those bad days and this song that someone else wrote and sings expresses how you feel in an unbelievable way. There is no feeling quite like that. It takes away whatever loneliness I might be feeling and works its healing power on me. I think everyone probably has an artist that they are particularly fond of in those hard times. For me it is Coldplay...the first time I heard "The Scientist" I feel like my life changed. I don't know what it is about that song but everything I listen to it I just feel so much understanding and peace inside my heart.

Yesterday was the first time I left the house after getting back from the hospital. I wanted to get some measurements done since now I get to be in my friends wedding and I wanted to get some freedom and treat myself a little bit. I also wanted to turn in my resume at a bookstore and I am crossing my fingers they hire me. It was nice getting out for a few hours I got Starbucks, went to the library and got a few books, and then got something delicious to eat. I felt a bit tired when I got home and it made me realize I am not quite ready to jump into action anytime soon. I think for now I need to take baby steps...that is hard for me though but I am trying. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this situation and it makes me feel upset but I think that feeling is becoming less and less. It just strikes me at unpredictable moments that I am stuck here for now and even though it isn't my desire I still have to endure and find strength in it.

Today I went to church. I love going to church because there are people there who love me, support, me, pray for me, and encourage me, they are my church family and I am very grateful to have them in my lives. I gave my testimony and before I gave it I was sitting in my chair and I felt really emotional and was telling myslef not to cry when I get up there. I cried anyway as I said thank you to God for saving my life, for giving me this life, and for allowing me to be alive and giving this testimony. Even though I feel sad I didn't get to go and that all this happened to me I am humbly thankful to be here with my family and friends supporting me through all of this. I know that if this had happened in the plane or in Korea it would have been a very scary situation for me. I know I probably would have had to go back to the States anyway and not be able to teach this semester but even knowing that the sadness of being so close and yet so far still remains.

For the most part I am able to be strong but in moments through out the day I think about things like orientation would have ended by now, I would have been in my new apartment, I would be meeting my co-teacher and touring my school...I would have been starting my new life but instead I am still stuck in the old one. I'm reminded everyday when I take my medication why I am here and it is hard. My family just wants me to rest, eat, and sleep like a child but I can't do that. The mind is a powerful thing and it just doesn't turn off like a lightswitch. It doesn't help that I am someone who thinks too much. I spend most of my time lost in my mind thinking about life's past, present, and future. I will be watching something and my mind will drift to some thought. Life is something that requires thought and I try to give it all of mine. These days I have been thinking a lot about how I want to live my life. I have always tried to please my mother and not disappoint her but sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make for myself in the future will disappoint her.

I have always said I would go to law school and that is still my plan, but I just wonder how soon or late I will do that, if I do that. I am feeling a little lost about my future. I don't want to end up choosing something because it is what I said I would always do. I want to make sure it is something I will love doing, something that will make me happy, and successful. All I know is that I want to help others to better their own lives. I want to inspire action and change by my examples. I want to do something of integrity and something that lives on even when I don't. But I am not sure exactly what that thing is and I get nervous about wasting my time and letting the years catch up to me. We don't realize how fast time is passing when we are moving through it. It is only when we sit down and look back that the years seem to add up. I don't want to sit down and wonder why I didn't follow the right path. I don't want to make mistakes, but that is impossible.

I am 21 and in less than a month I will turn 22 and I want to go to Korea for at least a year and if I love it, and have the opportunity to stay longer I would like to. For how long that is up to a lot of things that remain in the future. After that it seems like law school is the ideal thing to do but I just hope when I get to that road I choose what is best for me not what others want for me. I said before I have been thinking a lot about how to live my life and the answer that pops into my head is to live it the way I want. I don't want to follow anyone else's instruction and have my decisions made for me. No, I want to make the decisions and do things I want to do, things I dream of doing.

Reality always seems to intrude on those dreams we have for ourselves. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist. I used to take the comics out of the newspaper and try and create the characters exactly as they were. Then I got into singing and since I love music it felt natural to want to be in that world. To make music either by writing songs or singing them. I have always loved books. There is nothing like immersing myself into a story and seeing how it all unfolds. Relating to the characters and finding bits of yourself and live in the stories. These days I can't find a book that makes me feel like that. Everything is the same and I cannot find those stories that change your life, that inspire you, make you cry, and just touch your life. I have always loved words. They can be formed to create anything...any kind of story. Words are beautiful and powerful and when put together they can make the most beautiful story. I guess that can explain why I like music so much, you take words and add a melody to make it utterly extra-ordinary. Some artists do it better than others.

So my love of books and being around them drifts into my love of writing. Like music writing is my place to escape everything around me. Everyone has something they do to find peace and comfort and for me it is prayer, writing, and music. Those things are like breathing to me. I have to do them each and every day. I really like writing poetry and often wonder if maybe one day my work will be published. I sometimes think wouldn't it be great to live my life as a writer. If I had my dream life it would be as a writer. I wouldn't want to write novels though. I like short stories and of course poetry. I would like to write something that inspires others and moves them to change their lives and find their happiness. I just want to be someone and do something that inspires others. So when I am giving my life's testimony one day I can know in my heart that I am leaving something good behind. I often think about what my legacy in this world will be. What will I do to create positive change and influence in this world? I hope I figure it soon so I can start...

For now I have to figure out what to do over the next six months. I'm still pretty tired these days and don't have the strength to really get my hands dirty. But once I do I want to create a plan and follow it through. This is a great time for me to practice my Korean, and do things I don't get to do when I am busy. Time seems to be moving slowly right now and it makes me wonder how slow will these six months be. In those moments I have to remember to be strong, endure, and find peace in this situation. I'm going to work hard and make my dreams come true. I am going to live my life the way I have imagined it to be. A beautiful life that will be a testimony in itself.

Goodnight,
~Lola O.~