Saturday, January 16, 2010

Living

One of the main reasons I write my thoughts down is so I can reflect on them in the future, but even more importantly to see how far I have come and how much farther I need to go. This week has been a week of reflection, dreams, chances, but more importantly it has been a week of living and enjoying the moment.

I tend to wear my thinking cap way too much, and can get wrapped up in my head without seeing what is really going on in my life. I made a promise to myself that 2010 is going to be my year, my season, my time to shine and bloom, and I am doing my best to stay true to myself and to keep that promise.

Maybe it is just me, but it felt like for a long time I was just existing in life and not really living it, not letting myself enjoy it for all its flaws and wonder. I always thought I had to be someone other than the person I am. Always trying to change myself for the better, when sometimes it was more about accepting myself than changing me. I can smile now when I say that, because I am finally becoming the woman I want to be, and doing it in my own way and in my own time.

Everyone of us has a journey to take, and mine has taken me in different directions on the way to where I am now. I don't know what the future holds but I know I am excited to live my life going towards it. I think it all comes down to how you see yourself, and how you want the world to see you. That should be your choice and only yours to make. I keep thinking about my favorite Thoreau quote about living your life the way you have imagined it to be and it is so true.

This is your life, and as far as I know we only get this one chance to live it. So why live a life you don't want, a life you don't love? One day we will all return to the earth, and I for one don't want to be tangled up in regrets upon regrets. I'm 22 years old, and for the first time in my life I feel in sync with myself as far as who I am now and who I want to be in the future. I understand myself better, Accept myself with every flaw, scar, and beauty inside of me.

When I got into college I had a plan for how I wanted my life to be, but I am realizing that it wasn't necessarily me following my dreams, but more of me following the safe path to success. I don't regret the path I chose, because it has helped me get to this point in my life, and I have met wonderful people along the way, and have had opportunities that shaped me into the present version of myself.

I feel comfortable in my own skin, and even in those moments of doubt and insecurity I know that I am going to be just fine because like my mom says, "It is well with my soul." We all stumble, we all fall, but we all have to remember to pick ourselves back up and take it one step at a time, one moment at a time, and one day at a time. Living is about choices, leaps of faith, and chances. Sometimes we wait too long to do something that we miss out on it entirely.

It always comes down to fear; the fear of rejection, the fear of failure, the fear of pain, the fear of everything and anything you can imagine. Fear is like a plague on the human soul. It crushes our spirits, steals our dreams, and leaves us broken. Fear is friend to no one, and an enemy to all, but for me I am realizing that fear will always be there and it is up to me to overcome it, and live the life I have imagined. It is never and easy thing to overcome fear, but it is as necessary as breathing.

Over two years ago, I decided to not go straight to law school after graduation, and instead to let myself explore what else life has to offer. My family wasn't exactly excited about that decision, but they supported me and have always supported me. Something I am deeply thankful to them for. It was scary changing course like that, but it felt right, it still feels right. I was walking along a path that wasn't clear and felt more like a burden than a gift. Anyone that knows me, knows that when I make up my mind about something it rarely changes.

So deciding not to apply for law school  was a big deal, but it was the best decision I could have made for me. I was young, I am young, and I had barely experienced what life has to offer outside of a classroom. There is so much to see, so much to do, that it makes me tremble with all those endless possibilities. It feels right to go to Seoul, to travel outside of my comfort zone and give myself this year to bloom. To stretch myself, and test my limits away from the comforts I have now.

Sure I am scared, but even that fear is a beautiful thing. Like Eleanor says, "we must do the things we are afraid to do," only then will we ever know what we are capable of. If we all stay in our little boxes we will never know what is beyond those cardboard walls. Going to Seoul is a chance to explore more of the world while discovering more of me. Going to Seoul is a choice that will take me down a new path and lead me towards another. I'm excited to be doing this, to be making one dream into my reality.

But for me it is not just about going to Seoul, it's about being the young woman I want to be. This quotes sums it up best:

There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn’t thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on. -Unknown-

Years from now I don't want to regret not saying what was in my heart, not traveling to places I dreamed of seeing, and I don't want to regret not living the life I have imagined for me. I was thinking yesterday about my future and where I see myself years from now. I kept thinking about what exactly am I going to do for a living in the future. I always wanted to practice law, and it is still my dream but there is a part of me that is still searching for that career that feels like it was made just for me.

There is so many possibilities in this world, so many places we can go, and so many things we can do, that I worry that I will get lost in the choices and never find the one for me. Before, I thought success was measured by the amount of money I would make, but as I got older I realized that success is defined by me and no one else. Success for me is not about money, but the way I choose to live my life. I know I want to help people like me, people searching, people drifting, people who are lost, and people who come from fragmented families like me.

I know I want to help others discover themselves, and make their own dreams a reality. I know I want to do something and be someone that inspires others to live their life the way they have imagined it to be. I know I want to be the advocate for those whose voices are silenced. I know I want to leave a legacy of positive change, and inspire people to lift their voices, and use their bodies to help those that cannot. The problem is that even though I know this much, I have no idea how to make that into a career for me.

I've always felt my calling was law, and in a lot of ways I still do. The question then is what kind of lawyer should I be. I have been thinking a lot lately about being a human rights lawyer and focusing on helping the youth whether in domestic cases or international ones. I've always advocated and looked out for the people around me, and I feel like my voice could be the voice they need. but then, there are so many other careers besides law that I could be the one for me...

I don't know, these are just some thoughts racing circles inside of me. I'm at that point in my life where it is  feels okay to feel this unsure about my future, and to get a little lost along the way, because I believe with all my heart that one day in a moment all will be revealed to me. I just have to continue living my life and letting my footsteps lead me closer to where I am supposed to be.

I'm sharing all of this because I know there are other people out there, who like me are trying to figure out their place in this world. Who are beating themselves up for being lost, when they should remember that sometimes you have to get lost in order to find and be found. We are always changing so don't hold yourself back, take a deep breathe and jump. Jump, and let yourself go...

Friday, January 15, 2010

Courage

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear." - Nelson Mandela

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh...this week hasn't been the greatest week. I got a cold and I blame my little brother who was sick last week. I did something really brave (at least for me) and am waiting to find out the outcome.

I wrote an entry about how I wanted to live my life from now on and it comes down to living courageously, not by being fearless but by overcoming my fears one at a time. We spend our lives wanting to do all these things, but there is something holding us back, and most likely that something is fear. Fear is a dream stealer and a deal breaker. We have all these regrets because we cannot move past the fear in our mind, which is probably scarier than the real thing.

We don't tell people we love them because are afraid of being rejected or/and hurt. We don't go to places we long to go because we are afraid we are not capable of such things. We don't go after our dreams because we fear that we will fail or that they won't come true. We...you get my point. There is something we all want in our lives and most of us let our fear(s) keep us from going after them.

You see it is not about being fearless, we are all human beings so fear is a part of our makeup. Sometimes fear can help us but most times it hurts us. Then we are left wit regrets that pile on day after day, year after year, until we are buried in regrets. I don't want to live my life like that, so I have been trying to overcome my fears one step at a time. If there is something in your heart you want to say or do then by all means make it happen.

Being brave or having courage isn't an easy thing, and even after you might (like me) wonder what the hell have I just done, but if you really think about it do you regret doing the things you wanted to do, or the things you didn't have the guts to do? Even if you get hurt, you are stronger for it. Even if you make a mistake, you learn from it. Even if you fall/fail, you pick yourself back up and try again.

Life is about the choices we make, only you should be the captain of your fate. You might just be surprised by how wonderful it feels to finally to that things you've been aching to do.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Happiness

I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me since finding out I am negative for both Lymphoma and Crohn's Disease (Praise God). It just feels like I can breathe again, and I am taking each breathe with pleasure. IDK...it feels good to be recovering and not deteriorating even more.

I still have to take the Iron medication and Prilosec for another year, but both are preventative measures. No aspirin, and lay off the caffeine as well, which are lifetime changes that I will make. I can handle all of those little details, as long as I won't have to deal with ulcers or worse for the rest of my life.

2009 was a hard year  for me health wise, and I am going to do my best, listen to my doctors, and just make sure that 2010 is a year of great health. A year of little stress, lots of joy, and plenty of laughter!!

Every time I think of how in less that 2 months I will finally get to go to Seoul, a smile takes over my face and remains there all day. It feels great to be going, and I am walking in faith that nothing else will detour me from getting on that plane 2/25 or 2/26 and starting my journey in Seoul.

A lot of people don't understand why doing this is so important to me. Yeah, I gave up a great job opportunity to do this. I am pushing back going to law school to do this. Yeah, my family doesn't really understand why of all places I want to go to Seoul. If they would only ask and take the time to listen they would see that going to Seoul is just the beginning for me.

The beginning of finally being and feeling like an adult. I have been sheltered and protected my whole life that I have never really known what it means to be on my own. To make my own decisions, and just take control of my life. With my family, they are always supporting and protecting me that I never have to worry about anything.

I love them for that, but at the same time I have to go my own way, and Seoul is the start of that. Of me growing into the woman I want to be, being independent and courageous. Being someone who takes control of her life, makes her own decisions, and deals with the consequences. Going to Seoul is a chance for me to grow up, learn more about the world, figure out more about myself, embrace a different and new life, and just do something for once in my life that is all on my own.

I'm going to Seoul to find myself, create myself, discover myself, and for my own happiness. Yes, I could have chosen other places, but Seoul is where I want to be for this point in my life. It's a place that I want to discover, bit by bit, day by day, and make it my own little place of happiness. It won't be perfect, it won't be easy, but it will be an experience and I want more of those in my life.

I'm young, single, and at a point in my life when I just want to experiment and discover what else I am capable of doing. I want to see how far I can go out of my comfort zone, and be able to find the strength to endure. I need that challenge, to break out my shell of see the world in new eyes.

I told my mom the other day that every person has a journey to take, and she cannot dictate where mine goes. This is my life, and I have to go towards my happiness in my own way. Going to Seoul is all about me, and doing something just for me, so I hope she understands at least that. I hope she understands going to Seoul is what will make me happy, and if I didn't give it a try I would regret it for my entire life.

I don't want to always be a dreamer, and never try to make my dreams come true. I've spent the last two years dreaming of living and teaching in Seoul. It's about time that dream becomes my reality.

I understand her fear and concern for me, but anything can happen in this world, no matter where you are. I don't want to live my life in fear of the dangers that hide in the shadows. No I want to take a chance, and have faith that my path will be cleared of any obstacles. Coming from a Nigerian background, going to Korea for my mom is like saying I want to go to Outer Space or something that far fetched.

I really hope she will come and visit me, and see how even though the world is full of differences their is beauty in all places, good and bad as well. I'm doing this for me, and this is the first time I am doing something like this, so I just hope my family will support me and let me go with smiles on their faces.

It's about time I start living my life for me ,and seek my own happiness!

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