Six Months Till South 한국...

I am feeling a lot better physically and mentally these days in a lot of ways. I still have to take my medication for another month or so but after that by God's grace everything should be back to normal. The doctor said my anemia was caused by the internal bleeding so since that is all taken care of my blood count has gone to normal and I can feel it in my body. It is nice not to feel tired all the time anymore!

I have been reading a lot of books since I have all this free time. I just finished the Mortal Instruments Trilogy by Cassandra Clare and I LOVE IT. I have to say it was better than The Twilight Series in a lot of ways. The best thing about it was the awesome lines the characters would throw out. Cassandra definitely has something special about her and I am looking forward to her new books. What I love about reading is just how unrealistic the stories can be and that is what makes them fabulous. I mean when I watch movies or tv I don't want to see what happen in real life on my screen. The whole point is to escape from life and immerse myself into a story. It's like teleportation of the mind or something into some far of galaxy where anything is possible.

I like to have fun and laugh when I read or watch something. Yeah, all reading isn't about that sometimes you need the boring to learn but for the most part I believe it should always be fun even if it is sometimes boring. The other day I saw the movie Fame and I really liked it. But then again I really like musicals, and cheesy stories of teens/young adults going after their dreams because it relates to me. We are all going after our dreams and trying to figure out what the heck to do with our lives. I felt inspired after I left and was smiling from happiness. It was a nice reminder not to give up on our dreams but to remember that success is defined by our choices and what we believe.

Now onto the title of this entry, Faith. Faith is threefold for me. Having faith in myself, God, and the world I live in.

I think the reason I get so anxious and scared when I really want something is because I don't believe I will really get it. Today I was sitting down feeling that itch to put my thoughts into words and in my mind I kept thinking why don't I just believe? Why don't I just believe in myself or that the dreams I have for myself will come true. There is no one answer for that. I am a realist so I know that sometimes no matter how much you believe in yourself or your dreams they don't always work out. I don't want to hold onto blind faith and end up stuck in a rut. On the other hand the dreamer inside of the realist says why not just believe and wait to see what happens before you decide anything. Why not just have that faith that if you work hard enough and never give up it will all work out. I've never been the optimistic kind of person so that just doesn't work for me.

I see the world as it is and then analyze how it could be if this or that changed. Life is organic, it is constantly changing so I am always trying to plan ahead for any kind of scenario instead of just believing that the scenario I want will be the one that comes through. It is like my belief in myself and my dreams are limited by me and my lack of faith in the goodness of the world around me. When I think about all the bad and evil things in the world it makes me cautious to believe in it. It seems like all those bad things are overshadowing the good in the world and making it a really scary place.

It makes me feel blessed to wake up today; alive, healthy, and loved. Some people didn't get to wake up today and some who woke are in a nightmare. We think we are so safe and protected but everyday we are vulnerable to all that bad and evil in this world. So I feel like each day I am alive is a miracle in and of itself. To me Life is the most precious gift God have to all of us so whatever we can do to live it well and to help others is what we should do. I think about all those people my age who feel alone and lost and I just wish there was something I could do to reach and inspire them. Even though being lost sucks, I think it is a necessary part of life because during those lost period you get to discover and create yourself. Figure out what is important to you and what you want to. You have to be lost in order to be found or to find...if that makes sense.

So then all that is left is my faith in God. I believe in God. I have faith in Him but I feel like there is a part of myself that keeps holding me back from fully embracing him. Is it fear or doubt? I have no idea but I feel like my grip is slipping from his and that soon I am going to fall. I am not interested in religion or the politics behind it. I believe in my relationship/friendship with God. Like a solid rock that gives me shelter from the storm. I just feel like my faith is limited and I don't know how to break through that boundary in my mind.

Faith and belief are tricky emotions/feelings. It is so much easier to have faith in others and to encourage them but when it comes to myself it gets all tangled up. I keep wondering what it feels like to just believe and have faith is something with all your heart that no obstacle or person could detour you from achieving it. That is the kind of faith I would like to have, where you just believe, period.

See the hardest part of faith is when yours is tested, challenged, shattered, and etc and you have to rebuild it...but no matter what it is never that same faith. Either it has grown or diminished as a consequence of whatever happened. When I think about going to Korea my faith in myself and that dream is tested. I keep thinking how close I was to making that dream come true and then in a matter of minuted it shattered and I had/have to start all over again. All that work and effort I put into it has to be done all over. I get scared that something else will happen to detour me from going or maybe I am not supposed to go. All that passion I had before isn't the same. I am more cautious with my heart and effort as if protecting myself just in case things get out of control again. I think a big part of faith is the innocence you have. But like a child when something happens you can/t/don't believe as easily anymore. That clarity and hope is gone and reality sinks into that dream.

I've lost that blind faith that if I work hard enough, believe hard enough, and give it my best that it will all work out as I have hoped because I have seen how untrue that is. Sometimes you don't get what you want or need, sometimes you fall or fail, and sometimes you get screwed and stepped over, and sometimes you change and those dreams aren't yours anymore. But the question that remains for me and you is whether or not we give up on ourselves, those dreams, or the life we want. Will you give up?

There is no right or wrong answer because each answer belongs to the individual that makes it. It is a choice; my choice, your choice to make and live with. As far as Korea goes I won't give up because I know that the regret of not trying or going would be something that would haunt me. I won't give up because even though my faith is shaky it still exists inside of me and it carries me through. No matter what happens I fill find a way...my way to that destination because in my gut I know going there and having those experiences is something I need to do. I am trusting that God also thinks that my going there is where I am supposed to be for right now and if it isn't then he will show me another direction to travel. I believe that, no matte what my mind mind be saying I believe and have faith my heart that it will all work out in my favor. That God is watching over and out for me and when it is time and I am ready it will all come together.

Right now I am learning to breathe and let go. To just go after my dreams and not worry about the what ifs and maybes of life. I cannot live my life trying to predict all the ways things could go wrong. No I just have to do it and hope for the best while being aware that it doesn't always work out. While my faith is shaky my hope is solid. I have hope for myself that each trial I go through will not tear me down but make me stronger and wiser. This unpredicted situation I am in has taught me that life really can change in an instant and you cannot and will not be able to predict or prepare in advance. When it happens, when your life changes and alters you just have to do your best to get through it. You have to believe you will get through it because the other option is not one to choose.

I have five months left here, and some days that feels like eternity but I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, and most of the time we have no clue why or what that reason is. I know that I got a second chance at my life that day because if I had gotten on that plane I might have not made it to the destination alive but God have me my life back and a second chance to do it better. The hardest thing is getting through that blockage of fear and getting back on my feet and putting that passion and effort into preparing to go to South Korea. I think as each day passes by I gain a little more of myself back and in time I will have that passion and energy again.

It is hard to not just be what you want to be. God has given me time to heal my body and rest my soul so I am taking it one day at a time and discovering and creating bit and pieces of myself along the way. Isn't that what growing up is all about?

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~