Six Months Till South 한국...

Currently Listening To: Snow Patrol's "Set The Fire To The Third Bar"


When your in college everyone always tells you to enjoy it because "life after college" sucks!!! Well now that I am a college graduate I kind of have to agree with that. Life after college totally sucks right now, and I am starting to really miss the way things were in college.

I miss the fun and convenience of college. It is so easy to get together and hang out with friends, but now everything has changed. I'm sure it wouldn't have sucked like this if I hadn't gotten an ulcer and ended up not going to Korea. I have moved past the bitter and self-pity phase and am just trying to find things to do to make it through the next 4 months.

Haha...only four months to go till I finally start my "new life" in Seoul. I am ready to spread my wings and see how far and high I can go on my own. Cheesy but true. In two weeks I go to the GI doctor to make sure all is well inside and get cleared. I feel like once that happens I can finally start really living again. No more meds, no more watchful eyes, no more weakness. I am just crossing my fingers that everything is good on the inside so things can finally get better on the outside.

I have started the process of applying for SMOE again. I had to do the application and etc again but at least no interviews for me. Now the waiting begins all over again. My heart is wary this time around as if it's protecting itself/myself from being devastated again. I need to get my mojo back and feel that passion once again. That feeling of looking forward to something with all my heart. Haha...so cheesy.

So since my last entry I have been trying with no success to find a temporary job and I got a bit of a cold last week but am recovering. I still get bouts of tiredness but my energy is definitely up. My sister seems to think I am becoming a hermit just because I tend to stay home. Hermits stay home willingly...I stay home cause I have no job, money, or friends around me right now. I am trying to preserve my gas for as long as possible.

I have been writing a lot of poetry lately and I always get inspired by the wonderfulness of music. Make sure to check out http://acousticimagery.blogspot.com/ where I upload my artistic endeavors. I am really hoping to find some kind of temporary job so I can save up some money before I leave for Seoul. Easier said that done it seems...no one really wants to hire a 4 month employee right now, but since Christmas is coming I am hoping to find something.

Right now everything just feels very uncertain and that makes the future a very scary place for me. I don't really have any plans besides going to Korea. It feels like everything I knew or thought I knew has crumbled around me and instead of answers or solutions I just have questions and problems. Is this what the twenties are like? I have a long way to go before I finally feel like I have come into my own. My vision isn't as clear anymore and my destination is nonexistent. I guess I want to try just living and letting my choices take me to the next path and so on.

I am praying that in 4 months I find myself in Korea starting something new and seeing where it takes me. I'm ready for a change and that is why the mundane present tends to get to me. Everything is the same...everything but me. I am just trusting my God to surround me and make it all possible. To lead me where I am to be and help me find people who will help me along the way. I am ready to see what I am capable of. I am ready to see more of the world and be a part of it is new ways. I am ready for a risk and a challenge but I have 4 more months of waiting to go.

I made it through these past two months so I can make it through the next 4 months. I just hope I find a decent job soon.

Aja Aja Fighting!!!

How I wish I was fearless; oblivious of dangers or perils or calmly resolute in facing them. Invulnerable to fear or intimidation.

Can you imagine not ever being afraid? Being able to face your demons without flinching, fighting for your desires with a full heart. I think I could achieve a lot by being fearless, and at the same time every upside has its downside. I am listening to Colbie Caillat's Fearless, and am currently feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless at the moment cause I cannot for the life of me find a decent job for the next five months. It just feels weird being a college graduate and yet having no job or prospects. I mean I am not really using my degree since I just want/need a temporary and stress-free job. I have applied to at least 10-15 different places and haven't gotten one call back. I have called back but my experience in that particular job doesn't exactly match. I've been in college for the past four years so my "real world" experience is severely limited. It is really hard to get my foot in the door right now.

I get that the economy is crap but jeez this is really causing me some major meltdown moments. Thank God I don't have any student loans or anything major to pay off. I do not want to spend the last 5 months living off my mother. She wants me to rest and relax but I have never been one to not earn my share. I do not live off or rely on others to pay for my things. Never have and never will. Yeah, that is my independence talking. I just don't like to feel indebted to anyone and taking money from my mom makes me cringe inside. I mean she has her own matters to take care off and the last thing I want is to be a financial burden to her. That is the whole reason I have a college degree, so I can make a life for myself. I get that it isn't my fault I got stuck with this ulcer but man is it making my life complicated. The doctor says no stress and in my head all I think is boy you have no idea what my life is like.

I am not fond of stress but it seems to be my constant (some times only) companion right now. I need a job, period. I have some savings but that is dwindling down with car insurance payments, gas, and miscellaneous things. I am stretching it out as best as I can (I am a finance major) but I really doubt this is going to last me the next 5 months plus whatever I need to for Korea. I am not going out, no shopping, careful with my gas, and etc but I hate living like this. I've always been more of the saver type but I would like a job not only to save up but to be able to go out and have fun one in a while. The last thing I want to do it touch my Korea Saving Fund before I actually go to Korea, and I am crossing my fingers I don't have to. Money is such a bittersweet item. Great when you have it, sucks when you don't...kind of like Love.

I am not too picky about work except for not dealing with food i.e. being a waitress and the like. I have been hoping to find some kind of part-time gig at a bookstore or the library since I love books so much but no suck luck. No luck with any movie places either. I am really hoping to find a more than minimum wage job and am praying to God for an opportunity that is cool with me only working there for five months. I have a very strong conscience so I cannot lie to someone and pretend I am going to be around for a permanent position when I know from the start that isn't true. I'm huge on ethics and that just seems like the wrong thing to do. Ahhh...I am trying to think positively and just keep applying and praying but the worry is starting to sink in.

That is why I wish to be fearless, so that I can take things head on without having this dread and worry inside of me. I feel like if I was fearless, my steps would be light and my breathing deep because I would have the courage and confidence to take it all in with an immense amount of clarity so I can deal with it all (ulcer, job search, Korea, confusion...). My youth is really turning into a crazy journey but I feel like soon it will start to calm down and I will finally find some clarity about my life and what I will do in the future.

 For now I am going to bury my head in another book and see how someone else's life unfolds.

As usual I have a lot on my mind. It makes me smile how much I love writing. I didn't get to write yesterday because I stayed over at a friends (a break I really needed), but I had that longing to write my thoughts out. I feel so much clearer once I write. For the past few days I have been talking to two of my close friends about everything going on with me as far as being sick, family, fear(s), and pretty much everything I have been holding inside of me for the past couple of weeks.

It felt really good to have someone listen to me and then share their advice with me. I'm the one always giving advice and it felt good to have someone do the same for me, and for someone to just listen and let me vent out my frustrations. Even though it felt good to do that, it felt incomplete. Only I have the power to fix me and the things in my life that are in my power to change. I think when you share a part of yourself with other people you have to be willing to not hear what you want to hear. They will not always agree with you, and they might give you tough love, but I know we need that. I need that. I am grateful to have that.

I don't like to tell others about my issues because I don't like to bother or burden them with it. At least I feel like me telling them would bother or burden them, but I know I can't live my life holding myself at a distance from everyone. I am grateful for the people in my life who can deal with my moody self and still love me for me. I don't want to complain to them, but I am glad at the same time when they let me vent. We all need those moments of venting our frustrations. I feel a lot better emotionally these days, but those same frustrations are still there.

I told my friend the other the thing I have been afraid to say out loud since I got out of the hospital. I am terrified that something else will happen to me or around me that will become another obstacle stopping me from going to Korea. I am scared to feel that same joy and excitement again because I know what the other side feels like. I'm scared to dream and hope because that "what if" lingers on my tongue. What if....happens and I don't get to go. I'm scared to be passionate about going to Korea only to lose it once again. I'm scared to want it again and end up losing it again. I felt like even though I worked so hard and did everything right I still lost. All of those thoughts have been running through my head these past few weeks and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about them. I don't feel that same energy and motivation because I just keep thinking that it is better to hold back so I protect myself if I fall again. Kind of what an athlete feels when they get hurt and they are scared of putting that same strength in their sport because they know what it is like to get hurt and to lose.

I don't know if that makes sense but another way of putting it is someone who is scared to love again because the first time they got their heart shattered. I am scared to try again because I don't think I could take another obstacle getting in my way. I told my friend all these things and she said to me that everything that has happened isn't going to stop me as long as I don't let it. If I want to go to Korea, I will make a way to get there. She  talked about how when you have a dream you really want you won't give up when things get rough. She is right, even with all those fears and doubts I still have a passion to go to Korea. To test the waters and see how far I can go there. I haven't given up, but I have been shaken up. She said it is okay to be scared but you have to get through the fear and give yourself time to feel that motivation and drive for going to Korea. I love her like a sister, and I am glad we talked because my heart felt a lot lighter after.

I love everything Korean. The food, fashion, music, art, dramas, and most aspects of the culture. It makes me smile when I hear people speaking in Korean and I can pick out some of the words. I love learning about Korea; its people and history are fascinating to me. I want to go, and I know someway and somehow God will get me there. The biggest thing out of this situation is that I will appreciate my time there in a way not many could. I will enjoy it more, explore more, and be less afraid to take things on because I know how precious life and time is. God gave me a second chance at life when I didn't get on that plane, and I don't want to waste it living with regrets.

I want to forge my own destiny and enjoy the ride without worrying too much about the destination. Life is meant to be lived and I think I have spent to much time planning and not living. I think the biggest thing is staying positive and focused. I haven't unpacked my suitcases because they are a reminder that I am not here to stay and that I will be going one day soon. I have five months left here, and for me it seems like a dreadfully long time but I feel like God has something prepared for me. His reason for giving me this time here, maybe I am supposed to do something, or maybe I am supposed to meet someone and I would have missed that if I left them. I have no idea why, but I believe there is a reason and in hindsight I will know it.

Each day is a learning experience for me. I grow and change with each passing moment. That is what experience is all about. I'm not perfect. I have my flaws, but that is what makes me unique, and makes me me. I used to be the queen of plans, but I am learning all about the beauty in the breakdown. I don't have any definite plans when it comes to my life anymore because life changes in an instant and I want to try and go with the flow of things. I want to let the winds carry me to different destinations. I want to be blown away across this world and see what is has to offer. I want to be fluid and dynamic and I hope to get to that point in my life one day. Where I just have a deep and unshakable sense of self.

The only thing in my life that I am remotely sure of is my passion for Korea and my desire to go there and try living life somewhere new and breakout of my box to see what else is out there. I've never been one to think anything comes easy so I know it won't be perfect or simple. I do know that no matter what it will be worth it. Anything that allows for self-discovery is worth it, and I am so ready to discover. I'm taking it one day at a time, and one step at a time and remembering to believe in the beauty of my dreams so that I can live the life I have always imagined.

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~

I woke up a few minuted ago with an enormous headache. It always happens just in the temple area and I just feel like crap right now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks for a number of reasons. First, I keep having weird dreams and sometimes really bad nightmares. The kind that gives you shivers while soaking you in sweat. I wake up with a feeling of dread of what today will bring and I go to sleep dreading what I will see. You see, before I never really dreamed and if I did I never remembered them but now I dream and the dreams are always really weird and don't seem to make sense. The nightmares are even worse, and I never really feel safe when I am sleeping anymore.

I usually try and sleep with music on to blot out that darkness in my mind but it isn't helping much these days. I wake up feeling like something is very wrong, but I don't know what it is. I have been sleeping on the coach for the past 4 months and there is no privacy or quiet. No one cares, and each morning I wake up with a jolt from the voices around me. My cousins are loud, obnoxious, and always fighting. My mom is talking on the phone so loud it sounds like she is yelling. My grandma is cooking and the blender is like a chainsaw to my head. I try to stay up as late as possible so that when I fall asleep it will be instant, but then a wake up in the middle of this madness and haven't gotten enough sleep.

I can't sleep. My appetite is not that great. I am bored. I am stressed by problems that aren't mine. I am really really tired of it/them all. I feel stretched in so many directions and I don't want to be put in the middle of things. I want people to solve their own problems and stop dragging me in. My whole system is overloading and I am worried about the damage. I love my family, and I would sacrifice what I could for their benefit, but I can't sacrifice anymore. I can't give anymore. I just want some peace and quiet in my life and that isn't even happening.

Love makes us liars, sacrificers, enemies, friends, family, comrades, believers, poets, fools, damamged....etc. We all sacrifice something of ourselves and our lives for those we love. We sacrifice our dreams, jobs, hopes, selves, and etc. We sacrifice and suffer everyday for the people we love. When will it be enough? When will things change? When will we stop?

I'm feeling pretty emotional these days. I feel disappointed, angry, hurt, used, sad, frustrated, upset, and broken. I can't make people change. I can't fix everything for them. I can't fight their battles for them. I can't , won't , and don't want to. Everyday it's the same stories, fights, battles. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can't say more than I have said, do more than I have done. There is nothing left to give or to sacrifice. I just want to move on, move past this all, and get started on my own life and dreams.

I'm not someone who lives in the past wishing things had been different. The past is the past, but we have power over our present and our future. There is still time to change it, to make it better than it is now. I just wish the people around me would see that. There is still hope for better days if you just believe and actually try to make things different, to make things change. My tears are washed away and my throat is sore from my words. Everything is up to them. I won't be dragged down when all I want is to soar up.

We all wish things could be different, but how many of us actually try to change it?

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~