Six Months Till South 한국...

How I wish I was fearless; oblivious of dangers or perils or calmly resolute in facing them. Invulnerable to fear or intimidation.

Can you imagine not ever being afraid? Being able to face your demons without flinching, fighting for your desires with a full heart. I think I could achieve a lot by being fearless, and at the same time every upside has its downside. I am listening to Colbie Caillat's Fearless, and am currently feeling a bit frustrated and hopeless at the moment cause I cannot for the life of me find a decent job for the next five months. It just feels weird being a college graduate and yet having no job or prospects. I mean I am not really using my degree since I just want/need a temporary and stress-free job. I have applied to at least 10-15 different places and haven't gotten one call back. I have called back but my experience in that particular job doesn't exactly match. I've been in college for the past four years so my "real world" experience is severely limited. It is really hard to get my foot in the door right now.

I get that the economy is crap but jeez this is really causing me some major meltdown moments. Thank God I don't have any student loans or anything major to pay off. I do not want to spend the last 5 months living off my mother. She wants me to rest and relax but I have never been one to not earn my share. I do not live off or rely on others to pay for my things. Never have and never will. Yeah, that is my independence talking. I just don't like to feel indebted to anyone and taking money from my mom makes me cringe inside. I mean she has her own matters to take care off and the last thing I want is to be a financial burden to her. That is the whole reason I have a college degree, so I can make a life for myself. I get that it isn't my fault I got stuck with this ulcer but man is it making my life complicated. The doctor says no stress and in my head all I think is boy you have no idea what my life is like.

I am not fond of stress but it seems to be my constant (some times only) companion right now. I need a job, period. I have some savings but that is dwindling down with car insurance payments, gas, and miscellaneous things. I am stretching it out as best as I can (I am a finance major) but I really doubt this is going to last me the next 5 months plus whatever I need to for Korea. I am not going out, no shopping, careful with my gas, and etc but I hate living like this. I've always been more of the saver type but I would like a job not only to save up but to be able to go out and have fun one in a while. The last thing I want to do it touch my Korea Saving Fund before I actually go to Korea, and I am crossing my fingers I don't have to. Money is such a bittersweet item. Great when you have it, sucks when you don't...kind of like Love.

I am not too picky about work except for not dealing with food i.e. being a waitress and the like. I have been hoping to find some kind of part-time gig at a bookstore or the library since I love books so much but no suck luck. No luck with any movie places either. I am really hoping to find a more than minimum wage job and am praying to God for an opportunity that is cool with me only working there for five months. I have a very strong conscience so I cannot lie to someone and pretend I am going to be around for a permanent position when I know from the start that isn't true. I'm huge on ethics and that just seems like the wrong thing to do. Ahhh...I am trying to think positively and just keep applying and praying but the worry is starting to sink in.

That is why I wish to be fearless, so that I can take things head on without having this dread and worry inside of me. I feel like if I was fearless, my steps would be light and my breathing deep because I would have the courage and confidence to take it all in with an immense amount of clarity so I can deal with it all (ulcer, job search, Korea, confusion...). My youth is really turning into a crazy journey but I feel like soon it will start to calm down and I will finally find some clarity about my life and what I will do in the future.

 For now I am going to bury my head in another book and see how someone else's life unfolds.