Six Months Till South 한국...

It is 10:00 PM and everyone in the house is sleeping but me and I am sitting up listening to G-Dragon's solo album and grinning because for some reason his voice just makes me want to smile. Which is good thing cause smiles take away the sadness. That is the power of music for me, it heals and soothes me like nothing else. It is amazing when you are having one of those bad days and this song that someone else wrote and sings expresses how you feel in an unbelievable way. There is no feeling quite like that. It takes away whatever loneliness I might be feeling and works its healing power on me. I think everyone probably has an artist that they are particularly fond of in those hard times. For me it is Coldplay...the first time I heard "The Scientist" I feel like my life changed. I don't know what it is about that song but everything I listen to it I just feel so much understanding and peace inside my heart.

Yesterday was the first time I left the house after getting back from the hospital. I wanted to get some measurements done since now I get to be in my friends wedding and I wanted to get some freedom and treat myself a little bit. I also wanted to turn in my resume at a bookstore and I am crossing my fingers they hire me. It was nice getting out for a few hours I got Starbucks, went to the library and got a few books, and then got something delicious to eat. I felt a bit tired when I got home and it made me realize I am not quite ready to jump into action anytime soon. I think for now I need to take baby steps...that is hard for me though but I am trying. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this situation and it makes me feel upset but I think that feeling is becoming less and less. It just strikes me at unpredictable moments that I am stuck here for now and even though it isn't my desire I still have to endure and find strength in it.

Today I went to church. I love going to church because there are people there who love me, support, me, pray for me, and encourage me, they are my church family and I am very grateful to have them in my lives. I gave my testimony and before I gave it I was sitting in my chair and I felt really emotional and was telling myslef not to cry when I get up there. I cried anyway as I said thank you to God for saving my life, for giving me this life, and for allowing me to be alive and giving this testimony. Even though I feel sad I didn't get to go and that all this happened to me I am humbly thankful to be here with my family and friends supporting me through all of this. I know that if this had happened in the plane or in Korea it would have been a very scary situation for me. I know I probably would have had to go back to the States anyway and not be able to teach this semester but even knowing that the sadness of being so close and yet so far still remains.

For the most part I am able to be strong but in moments through out the day I think about things like orientation would have ended by now, I would have been in my new apartment, I would be meeting my co-teacher and touring my school...I would have been starting my new life but instead I am still stuck in the old one. I'm reminded everyday when I take my medication why I am here and it is hard. My family just wants me to rest, eat, and sleep like a child but I can't do that. The mind is a powerful thing and it just doesn't turn off like a lightswitch. It doesn't help that I am someone who thinks too much. I spend most of my time lost in my mind thinking about life's past, present, and future. I will be watching something and my mind will drift to some thought. Life is something that requires thought and I try to give it all of mine. These days I have been thinking a lot about how I want to live my life. I have always tried to please my mother and not disappoint her but sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make for myself in the future will disappoint her.

I have always said I would go to law school and that is still my plan, but I just wonder how soon or late I will do that, if I do that. I am feeling a little lost about my future. I don't want to end up choosing something because it is what I said I would always do. I want to make sure it is something I will love doing, something that will make me happy, and successful. All I know is that I want to help others to better their own lives. I want to inspire action and change by my examples. I want to do something of integrity and something that lives on even when I don't. But I am not sure exactly what that thing is and I get nervous about wasting my time and letting the years catch up to me. We don't realize how fast time is passing when we are moving through it. It is only when we sit down and look back that the years seem to add up. I don't want to sit down and wonder why I didn't follow the right path. I don't want to make mistakes, but that is impossible.

I am 21 and in less than a month I will turn 22 and I want to go to Korea for at least a year and if I love it, and have the opportunity to stay longer I would like to. For how long that is up to a lot of things that remain in the future. After that it seems like law school is the ideal thing to do but I just hope when I get to that road I choose what is best for me not what others want for me. I said before I have been thinking a lot about how to live my life and the answer that pops into my head is to live it the way I want. I don't want to follow anyone else's instruction and have my decisions made for me. No, I want to make the decisions and do things I want to do, things I dream of doing.

Reality always seems to intrude on those dreams we have for ourselves. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist. I used to take the comics out of the newspaper and try and create the characters exactly as they were. Then I got into singing and since I love music it felt natural to want to be in that world. To make music either by writing songs or singing them. I have always loved books. There is nothing like immersing myself into a story and seeing how it all unfolds. Relating to the characters and finding bits of yourself and live in the stories. These days I can't find a book that makes me feel like that. Everything is the same and I cannot find those stories that change your life, that inspire you, make you cry, and just touch your life. I have always loved words. They can be formed to create anything...any kind of story. Words are beautiful and powerful and when put together they can make the most beautiful story. I guess that can explain why I like music so much, you take words and add a melody to make it utterly extra-ordinary. Some artists do it better than others.

So my love of books and being around them drifts into my love of writing. Like music writing is my place to escape everything around me. Everyone has something they do to find peace and comfort and for me it is prayer, writing, and music. Those things are like breathing to me. I have to do them each and every day. I really like writing poetry and often wonder if maybe one day my work will be published. I sometimes think wouldn't it be great to live my life as a writer. If I had my dream life it would be as a writer. I wouldn't want to write novels though. I like short stories and of course poetry. I would like to write something that inspires others and moves them to change their lives and find their happiness. I just want to be someone and do something that inspires others. So when I am giving my life's testimony one day I can know in my heart that I am leaving something good behind. I often think about what my legacy in this world will be. What will I do to create positive change and influence in this world? I hope I figure it soon so I can start...

For now I have to figure out what to do over the next six months. I'm still pretty tired these days and don't have the strength to really get my hands dirty. But once I do I want to create a plan and follow it through. This is a great time for me to practice my Korean, and do things I don't get to do when I am busy. Time seems to be moving slowly right now and it makes me wonder how slow will these six months be. In those moments I have to remember to be strong, endure, and find peace in this situation. I'm going to work hard and make my dreams come true. I am going to live my life the way I have imagined it to be. A beautiful life that will be a testimony in itself.

Goodnight,
~Lola O.~

I have way too much time on my hands right now so that means lots of writing. I am feeling more clarity in my thoughts these days. For some reason the hardest part is when I first wake up or when I am lying in bed about to fall asleep. At those moments there is a rawness to my thoughts and the sadness seeps in. The doctor called yesterday and I was prescribed more meds to take. I hate medication, and there are so many I have to take twice a day, but I know without them I won't get better...and I have to get better!!!

It's hard being here, and feeling tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to eat anything because it makes my tummy hurt, but I have to eat so I get some energy back in this body. I have to do the things I need to do to get better, whether I like them or not. That's life, we sometimes have to do things we don't want to do so we can do the things we want to do. I want to go to South Korea for no other reason that because it is something I have been wanting to do for the past two years.

I'm not in it for the money, which really isn't much. If I wanted to make money I would stay in the States and use my finance degree. I don't need lots of money for me this is a dream I want to make reality. It's an opportunity to do something different, be someone different, and live a life that is different from the one here. I don't want that staleness of repetition to seep into my life. I want to see what I am capable of and to go past that and do more, be more...everything more. I don't know what will happen when I get there. Maybe I will hate it or maybe I will love it. Maybe I will fall in love or get my heart broken. It doesn't matter when it comes to the maybes, ifs, and so on.

I will take what comes my way and stay true to myself. I want to do it for the sake of doing it. I want to test the waters and see how deep I can go without drowning. I want to take away the saftey net of everything and everyone I know and take a deep breath and jump into that dream. Do you see why it is hard for me these days? That is how I feel about going to South Korea. Imagine standing at the water's edge about to take that jump, you are so close but you get pulled back and the distance makes the water fade away. You can't jump, you cannot even see anything anymore. Your in the dark, and have no way out.

That is how I feel right now. I'm scared that when I try again the water won't be there anymore. All that would be left would be an empty hole. I think that is why I feel so anxious, I have to start everything all over again and I can't help but feel sad and mad. I was right there but it didn't happen, and so it sucks for lack of a better word. I feel like my body is betraying me, it is constraining me, and causing me to be in this pain. Why did I get sick and how did I get sick are questions I ask myself everyday. It just doesn't seem real. I keep thinking back to that day, in the ambulance, hospital, lying in that bed in the hospital gown hearing the iv monitor keep going off and pretending this was a bad dream.

I don't think I ever felt more alone that in that hospital room. It was lonely and scary and just the worst two days of my life so far. I pray to God I am never in this situation again. There is so many things that can happen in this waiting time and it scares me. I don't want anymore obstacles to come my way. I just want to get better and move on with my life, to life the life I have imagined and make it reality. I want to test the waters of this dream and see what happens next. I am trying to be strong because everyone around me is worried about me. It gets tiring, and I just want to shut them all out.

I'm going to walk by faith and trust that God will shield me from any harm. He will heal me and lead me to that water so I can finally take a dive. I'm going to be strong and endure this trial so that I can finally triumph. One day at a time, one step at a time is my motto if life and it is overwhelmingly true these days. This has made me realize how important having and pursuing dream are, and eventually I am going to pursue mine.

Sleep overwhelms me so goodnight.
~Lola O.~

So I have thought a lot today about this whole situation that I am in, and I am feeling a lot clearer about things. My good friend and probably the only person who understands me right now said that this is a challenge I have to overcome. She said I have to think positively to get through the next six months and she is right. I have to think positively and find that strength inside of myself to get through this situation.

I have no idea how at 21 years old I got an ulcer and am having all these medical issues. I do know that I have to be strong and let my body heal. I don't really have a lot of energy to do anything right now but I hope in the next month I get stronger and can find some small job to do to keep me busy and prevent boredom from sinking in. Yeah it sucks that I didn't get to go, but I have to move on and trust that I will go at the end of February and boy am I going to make the most of it!

I got sick, but at least I am not dead. I still have a chance to do the things I want to do so I am going to be strong, get through the next six months, and enjoy my life. It won't be easy, and some days are going to drag on and on but I am going to be okay. I will get through this and come out of it a stronger and better person. Look forward to my triumphs and trials over the next six months and thanks for coming along for the ride.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

So I am supposed to eat lots of iron-rich foods, and liver is on the top of that list of recommended foods. Ummm...I hate liver almost as much as bugs. It is DISGUSTING, and my mother made it for me yesterday. Saying, either eat liver or get a blood transfusion (my blood count is low). Well with an ultimatum like that I decided to try the liver. Let's just say it didn't stay down in my tummy.

I don't know how people at that crap it is sooooooo freaking gross. Even the name, "liver" leaves something (a lot of something) to be desired. So after suffering through that liver ordeal I went back to my room (my mom's room since I don't have a room anymore in this house) and tried to go back to sleep (since that is all I do these days). I was lying in bed and the tears came and I ended up crying for a while. It just felt so ridiculous, me being here trying to not barf up liver. All I could think of was this isn't how it's supposed to be!

I cried for a long time, thinking about everything that has happened and the waterworks flowed. I think I really needed that moment of self-pity, and maybe there will be more moments along the way to recovery but I deserve that much. I am in a pretty grouchy mood these days and my family doesn't understand why I feel like this. I tried to explain it to my mom yesterday, and she said I am being ungrateful for what God has done for me. I am not, I repeat, I am not ungrateful for what God has done for me. I get that things could have been worse, but come on I was a day away and this craziness happened! Give me a break if I am not skipping for joy to be stuck here for the next six months.

After the tears session I decided I need to find something to occupy myself for the next six months. My mom just wants me to sit at home and relax. Anyone that knows me knows that I will go completely insane if I don't find something to do. I am already feeling suffocated just being in the house and watched like a hawk and being forced to eat things like LIVER (puke moment)! So I started browsing the internet for jobs in my area. I really just want to work at the library or a bookstore for the next six months. I love being around books, reading books, anything and everything book related. Books are filled with wisdom, inspiration, challenges, sadness, laughter...the list goes on. I want to surround myself with something I enjoy and help others find a book they will enjoy.

So I applied to a couple of bookstores since the library is not currently hiring, but if they do have a position I will be rushing to apply. I really hope I get a job at a bookstore. I wouldn't mind working at an music joint. Not one of those big name, franchise stores, but some small store that all the locals like to go to for the atmosphere. I know I cannot work immediately but even a seasonal position would be fine. I would earn some money, and have some time outside of my sad zone. I think as I immerse myself in other things I will be able to feel less bitter and sad about what was supposed to happen and be able to focus on what will happen.

I love my family but like every family they can drive you/me insane from too much quality time. I am an independent soul who has my own dreams and plans and I am not going to be stopped. I am going to go to Korea and I am going to enjoy every single moment because it's a moment that took to long to have. I am going to figure out what life will be like after Korea, whether law school or something else that ignites my passion. I am going to live and do the things I have wanted and dreamed about doing. I am not going to fall and stay down. I am going to get back up again and keep going.

It isn't easy, and right now I don't have the energy to put up a good fight. I am struggling to not sink into a bitter mood 24/7. I kind of just want to be left alone right now. I don't have any breathing room or personal space in this house. I just want to figure it out on my own. I want God to show me why I am still in this place. Am I supposed to be doing something here? I just feel confused about a lot of things right now and no answers seem to be coming my way. Why can't they just understand I am sad, I have a right to be sad, and I am going to be sad until time takes that sadness away.

I mean hasn't there been something you worked hard to get, and then you were so close to making it reality, but something got in the way, and changed everything, and what's worse is I couldn't do anything to stop it. So I think my family should give me a break if I am not all smiles and happiness right now. All I keep seeing is that luggage of mine that I spent all that time packing sitting at the front door with nowhere to go.

I think one of those life mysteries is how time works. Life changes in but a moment and the time we thought we had is gone or shortened. If you are lucky maybe you get an extension. Last night, after I wrote the previous entry I was lying in bed wondering, why did God give me more time here? I believe everything happen for a reason, and often times we don't know the reason or we cannot grasp the reason why.

I have no idea why God gave me more time here with my family in the States but I don't want to take it for granted and look back wishing I had enjoyed it instead of feeling bitter about what would.should have been. My attitude these days isn't very wonderful and that is why I make a horrible patient. My family isn't allowing me to do anything, not even get up and get my own glass of water. For someone who is used to being independent this has made me dependent on others and in all honesty I don't like it.

Okay, back to this idea of time. I have six months till I can go to Korea. In those six months I get to do things I wouldn't have been able to do like spend more time with my mom and family, attend one of my best friends wedding, see one of my best friends graduate from college, turn 22 with my family present, have Thanksgiving/Christmas 2009, have New Year's 2010, and other things I cannot think of off the top of m head.

God gave me six more months to experience all these things and I am happy I get to do those things, but I cannot help but think of the things I will be missing out on in Seoul. I had wrapped my mind around it, having Seaweed soup on my 22nd b-day, enjoying all the traditional Korean holidays, spending American holidays with my new friends in Korea. I don't know how to shut my mind off about Korea and deal with reality.

I keep wondering why did God give me these six months and I guess I probably will not figure that out until the six months are over. What is it He wants me to do in the next six months here. I have no idea what to do so I am not bored out of my mind for the next six months. My sister said six months is not that long. I laughed, six months is half a year, 26 weeks, 182 days. That is a long time. I feel like I am wasting these six months just sitting around at home. My life isn't here anymore, all my friends are busy with their own lives, and everyone is going in their own directions but me. My sister said I should write a novel. Umm...no! I think this blog will be about the only writing I am inspired to do.

Writing and music have always been the two things that give me calm in life's storms. There is nothing like taking the turbulence of one's mind and placing it in words or finding solace in the lyrics of  a song. It brings me peace, but right now nothing seems to be working for me. I have moments when I am like okay to move on, and then other moments when I am thinking about what I would be doing in Korea right about now. I just don't want to let go even though I know I have to.


My good friend told me I have to think positively and I think that will come with time. Time heals all wounds. So I think as the days, weeks, and months go by I will be able to move on, pick myself up, and have a new plan. My mind never rests so I keep thinking about things I can do to make the six months more bearable. I was thinking of taking a yoga or art class at the local community college, working out at the gym, practicing my Korean so I can be really good when I finally get there, reading my Bible, and spending time with the family.

Right now even though I have those thoughts, I feel too tired to really do anything right now. I don't like this sleeping all the time nonsense! I don't know if it is the meds or my body that is making me so tired but once I get back on my feet I will start doing some of those things to keep me busy. If I sit at home all day I will go crazy from boredom and lack of personal space. I am an active person so I am not enjoying this whole rest and relax period of my life since graduation. I need that kind of stuff in small doses at varying times not a whole overdose of it.

I took my first step towards moving on, I deleted myself off the SMOE groups for this Fall 2009. It was like a reality check to tell me I am no longer a part of that anymore...which is the truth. Too bad the truth hurts. I haven't unpacked my luggage yet. It is still sitting by the front door...that will take some time before I bother with that. It makes me too sad looking at it.

I am giving myself this week to sleep a lot and be a lazy bum, but come next week I am going to start making some plans for the next six months so I don't sink further into this bitter funk. God gave me this time but He hasn't shown or told me what I should do with it. Bring on the ideas!

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

P.S. Hopefully future posts will not be so sad...:)

I am creating this blog as an outlet to my mind for the next six months. You might know that I was supposed to head to Seoul this August but due to some unexpected medical issues I was unable to leave. Here is the whole story...

On Thursday 8/20 I was supposed to be enjoying my last day with my family but sometime in the afternoon I started experiencing some serious stomach pains. I am anemic so I thought it was the medication I was taking. Well after vomiting all over the bathroom, my mother who is a nurse realized that it was old blood in my body and that I must be bleeding somewhere inside my body. Before we could make it to the doctor I passed out and she called 911. I ended up in the hospital for two days and found out that I was bleeding internally from an ulcer with a blood clot attached to it.

That was the biggest shock of my life so far. All I could think about was how I was supposed to get on a plane Friday morning to start my new life in South Korea. I cried and cried telling the doctor they had to let me go. But they wouldn't allow it saying I could have died and what not. Me being the stubborn person I am didn't want to hear it and kept on crying for them to let me out of the hospital. I don't know how long I cried that day but they didn't let me go. They monitored me for the next 48 hours and finally released me on Saturday 8/22. I would have been in Korea by then was all I could think about. I felt heartbroken, angry, disappointed, and pretty much miserable on the inside.

It didn't hit me that my life had been saved by this not happening on the airplane. All I could think about was that my dream was so close, only a few hours away, and it was snatched away from me. I felt cheated and in a lot of ways I still feel cheated by this. All I could think about was why me? why now? How could a 21 year old have and ulcer why didn't the doctor's see the symptoms. I was tired, fatigued, anemic, loss of appetite, pain in stomach after eating...etc., which are all symptoms of having an ulcer. In hindsight the signs were all there to be seen, but it was like we were all blind to it. The doctor's said I have been bleeding on the inside for a long time. It all just felt/feels like a bad dream, okay more like a nightmare and I am going to wake up from it and be in Seoul.

I have spent the last year and a half getting ready for this, doing all the paperwork, studying up on Korea, learning the language, and now I have to wait another six months to be able to go. It feels so unfair and I can't help but feel angry when I should be feeling thankful. I am thankful but I can't shut my mind or my heart off. I can't not feel sad that I have to stay here for another six months. I was less than a day away from getting on that airplane and now I have another six months of waiting.

I hate waiting. I feel like the longer I wait the less likely I will really go. I don't plan on giving up but life has a way of distracting you from your dreams. Everyone is so happy to have me here, no one seems to understand I am not supposed to be here. I am supposed to be in Seoul. I am supposed to be starting my new life there not being stuck in my old one. I feel like someone took my dream from me and stomped it to death right in front of my face. I feel angry that this happened to me, that this sickness is inside of me and no one saw it. I felt fine Thursday morning and within minutes everything changed.

My life went in a whole other direction. I guess people would call it a curveball of life. I know life is unfair but I never imagined something like this would happen to me. That at 21 I would end up in this kind of situation. I want to cry and scream how unfair this all is but at the same time I know God gave me a second chance to live when he made this happen. I don't know what would have happened to me on that plane ride or when I got to Korea. I just keep thinking why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I ask the doctor more questions? I keep wondering if I could have changed things. I keep blaming myself for this situation I am in.

I have no idea what to do for the next six months. My mom and family are just glad to have me home. They don't understand that I don't want to be here. I had already made up my mind and gotten prepared to leave but instead I am still here. My friends are busy with their own lives; finishing school, traveling ,working, and some even getting married. I feel like I am static while everyone else is dynamic. It's like the U2 song, I am stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it! I wish I could turn my mind off and get out of this funk I am in but it isn't that easy. I had everything planned, my luggage is sitting there by the front door, but I am not going anywhere.

All I want to do it lay in bed and cry tears of self-pity but I know I am going to have to figure out what's next soon. I am just scared that another obstacle will get in the way of me going to work for SMOE in March.

Just pray for me...that God give me clarity and the ability to move past this obstacle and live my life. I know that life is precious, I learned that on Thursday. That is why I don't want to keep waiting to start living my life the way I imagine it to be. I don't know what to do anymore. I had it all figured out and then life threw me a curveball and I am still spinning.