Six Months Till South 한국...

So I am supposed to eat lots of iron-rich foods, and liver is on the top of that list of recommended foods. Ummm...I hate liver almost as much as bugs. It is DISGUSTING, and my mother made it for me yesterday. Saying, either eat liver or get a blood transfusion (my blood count is low). Well with an ultimatum like that I decided to try the liver. Let's just say it didn't stay down in my tummy.

I don't know how people at that crap it is sooooooo freaking gross. Even the name, "liver" leaves something (a lot of something) to be desired. So after suffering through that liver ordeal I went back to my room (my mom's room since I don't have a room anymore in this house) and tried to go back to sleep (since that is all I do these days). I was lying in bed and the tears came and I ended up crying for a while. It just felt so ridiculous, me being here trying to not barf up liver. All I could think of was this isn't how it's supposed to be!

I cried for a long time, thinking about everything that has happened and the waterworks flowed. I think I really needed that moment of self-pity, and maybe there will be more moments along the way to recovery but I deserve that much. I am in a pretty grouchy mood these days and my family doesn't understand why I feel like this. I tried to explain it to my mom yesterday, and she said I am being ungrateful for what God has done for me. I am not, I repeat, I am not ungrateful for what God has done for me. I get that things could have been worse, but come on I was a day away and this craziness happened! Give me a break if I am not skipping for joy to be stuck here for the next six months.

After the tears session I decided I need to find something to occupy myself for the next six months. My mom just wants me to sit at home and relax. Anyone that knows me knows that I will go completely insane if I don't find something to do. I am already feeling suffocated just being in the house and watched like a hawk and being forced to eat things like LIVER (puke moment)! So I started browsing the internet for jobs in my area. I really just want to work at the library or a bookstore for the next six months. I love being around books, reading books, anything and everything book related. Books are filled with wisdom, inspiration, challenges, sadness, laughter...the list goes on. I want to surround myself with something I enjoy and help others find a book they will enjoy.

So I applied to a couple of bookstores since the library is not currently hiring, but if they do have a position I will be rushing to apply. I really hope I get a job at a bookstore. I wouldn't mind working at an music joint. Not one of those big name, franchise stores, but some small store that all the locals like to go to for the atmosphere. I know I cannot work immediately but even a seasonal position would be fine. I would earn some money, and have some time outside of my sad zone. I think as I immerse myself in other things I will be able to feel less bitter and sad about what was supposed to happen and be able to focus on what will happen.

I love my family but like every family they can drive you/me insane from too much quality time. I am an independent soul who has my own dreams and plans and I am not going to be stopped. I am going to go to Korea and I am going to enjoy every single moment because it's a moment that took to long to have. I am going to figure out what life will be like after Korea, whether law school or something else that ignites my passion. I am going to live and do the things I have wanted and dreamed about doing. I am not going to fall and stay down. I am going to get back up again and keep going.

It isn't easy, and right now I don't have the energy to put up a good fight. I am struggling to not sink into a bitter mood 24/7. I kind of just want to be left alone right now. I don't have any breathing room or personal space in this house. I just want to figure it out on my own. I want God to show me why I am still in this place. Am I supposed to be doing something here? I just feel confused about a lot of things right now and no answers seem to be coming my way. Why can't they just understand I am sad, I have a right to be sad, and I am going to be sad until time takes that sadness away.

I mean hasn't there been something you worked hard to get, and then you were so close to making it reality, but something got in the way, and changed everything, and what's worse is I couldn't do anything to stop it. So I think my family should give me a break if I am not all smiles and happiness right now. All I keep seeing is that luggage of mine that I spent all that time packing sitting at the front door with nowhere to go.