Sunday, August 30, 2009
It is 10:00 PM and everyone in the house is sleeping but me and I am sitting up listening to G-Dragon's solo album and grinning because for some reason his voice just makes me want to smile. Which is good thing cause smiles take away the sadness. That is the power of music for me, it heals and soothes me like nothing else. It is amazing when you are having one of those bad days and this song that someone else wrote and sings expresses how you feel in an unbelievable way. There is no feeling quite like that. It takes away whatever loneliness I might be feeling and works its healing power on me. I think everyone probably has an artist that they are particularly fond of in those hard times. For me it is Coldplay...the first time I heard "The Scientist" I feel like my life changed. I don't know what it is about that song but everything I listen to it I just feel so much understanding and peace inside my heart.
Yesterday was the first time I left the house after getting back from the hospital. I wanted to get some measurements done since now I get to be in my friends wedding and I wanted to get some freedom and treat myself a little bit. I also wanted to turn in my resume at a bookstore and I am crossing my fingers they hire me. It was nice getting out for a few hours I got Starbucks, went to the library and got a few books, and then got something delicious to eat. I felt a bit tired when I got home and it made me realize I am not quite ready to jump into action anytime soon. I think for now I need to take baby steps...that is hard for me though but I am trying. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed by this situation and it makes me feel upset but I think that feeling is becoming less and less. It just strikes me at unpredictable moments that I am stuck here for now and even though it isn't my desire I still have to endure and find strength in it.
Today I went to church. I love going to church because there are people there who love me, support, me, pray for me, and encourage me, they are my church family and I am very grateful to have them in my lives. I gave my testimony and before I gave it I was sitting in my chair and I felt really emotional and was telling myslef not to cry when I get up there. I cried anyway as I said thank you to God for saving my life, for giving me this life, and for allowing me to be alive and giving this testimony. Even though I feel sad I didn't get to go and that all this happened to me I am humbly thankful to be here with my family and friends supporting me through all of this. I know that if this had happened in the plane or in Korea it would have been a very scary situation for me. I know I probably would have had to go back to the States anyway and not be able to teach this semester but even knowing that the sadness of being so close and yet so far still remains.
For the most part I am able to be strong but in moments through out the day I think about things like orientation would have ended by now, I would have been in my new apartment, I would be meeting my co-teacher and touring my school...I would have been starting my new life but instead I am still stuck in the old one. I'm reminded everyday when I take my medication why I am here and it is hard. My family just wants me to rest, eat, and sleep like a child but I can't do that. The mind is a powerful thing and it just doesn't turn off like a lightswitch. It doesn't help that I am someone who thinks too much. I spend most of my time lost in my mind thinking about life's past, present, and future. I will be watching something and my mind will drift to some thought. Life is something that requires thought and I try to give it all of mine. These days I have been thinking a lot about how I want to live my life. I have always tried to please my mother and not disappoint her but sometimes I wonder if the decisions I make for myself in the future will disappoint her.
I have always said I would go to law school and that is still my plan, but I just wonder how soon or late I will do that, if I do that. I am feeling a little lost about my future. I don't want to end up choosing something because it is what I said I would always do. I want to make sure it is something I will love doing, something that will make me happy, and successful. All I know is that I want to help others to better their own lives. I want to inspire action and change by my examples. I want to do something of integrity and something that lives on even when I don't. But I am not sure exactly what that thing is and I get nervous about wasting my time and letting the years catch up to me. We don't realize how fast time is passing when we are moving through it. It is only when we sit down and look back that the years seem to add up. I don't want to sit down and wonder why I didn't follow the right path. I don't want to make mistakes, but that is impossible.
I am 21 and in less than a month I will turn 22 and I want to go to Korea for at least a year and if I love it, and have the opportunity to stay longer I would like to. For how long that is up to a lot of things that remain in the future. After that it seems like law school is the ideal thing to do but I just hope when I get to that road I choose what is best for me not what others want for me. I said before I have been thinking a lot about how to live my life and the answer that pops into my head is to live it the way I want. I don't want to follow anyone else's instruction and have my decisions made for me. No, I want to make the decisions and do things I want to do, things I dream of doing.
Reality always seems to intrude on those dreams we have for ourselves. When I was younger I wanted to be an artist. I used to take the comics out of the newspaper and try and create the characters exactly as they were. Then I got into singing and since I love music it felt natural to want to be in that world. To make music either by writing songs or singing them. I have always loved books. There is nothing like immersing myself into a story and seeing how it all unfolds. Relating to the characters and finding bits of yourself and live in the stories. These days I can't find a book that makes me feel like that. Everything is the same and I cannot find those stories that change your life, that inspire you, make you cry, and just touch your life. I have always loved words. They can be formed to create anything...any kind of story. Words are beautiful and powerful and when put together they can make the most beautiful story. I guess that can explain why I like music so much, you take words and add a melody to make it utterly extra-ordinary. Some artists do it better than others.
So my love of books and being around them drifts into my love of writing. Like music writing is my place to escape everything around me. Everyone has something they do to find peace and comfort and for me it is prayer, writing, and music. Those things are like breathing to me. I have to do them each and every day. I really like writing poetry and often wonder if maybe one day my work will be published. I sometimes think wouldn't it be great to live my life as a writer. If I had my dream life it would be as a writer. I wouldn't want to write novels though. I like short stories and of course poetry. I would like to write something that inspires others and moves them to change their lives and find their happiness. I just want to be someone and do something that inspires others. So when I am giving my life's testimony one day I can know in my heart that I am leaving something good behind. I often think about what my legacy in this world will be. What will I do to create positive change and influence in this world? I hope I figure it soon so I can start...
For now I have to figure out what to do over the next six months. I'm still pretty tired these days and don't have the strength to really get my hands dirty. But once I do I want to create a plan and follow it through. This is a great time for me to practice my Korean, and do things I don't get to do when I am busy. Time seems to be moving slowly right now and it makes me wonder how slow will these six months be. In those moments I have to remember to be strong, endure, and find peace in this situation. I'm going to work hard and make my dreams come true. I am going to live my life the way I have imagined it to be. A beautiful life that will be a testimony in itself.
Goodnight,
~Lola O.~
