Six Months Till South 한국...

I have way too much time on my hands right now so that means lots of writing. I am feeling more clarity in my thoughts these days. For some reason the hardest part is when I first wake up or when I am lying in bed about to fall asleep. At those moments there is a rawness to my thoughts and the sadness seeps in. The doctor called yesterday and I was prescribed more meds to take. I hate medication, and there are so many I have to take twice a day, but I know without them I won't get better...and I have to get better!!!

It's hard being here, and feeling tired all the time. All I want to do is sleep. I don't want to eat anything because it makes my tummy hurt, but I have to eat so I get some energy back in this body. I have to do the things I need to do to get better, whether I like them or not. That's life, we sometimes have to do things we don't want to do so we can do the things we want to do. I want to go to South Korea for no other reason that because it is something I have been wanting to do for the past two years.

I'm not in it for the money, which really isn't much. If I wanted to make money I would stay in the States and use my finance degree. I don't need lots of money for me this is a dream I want to make reality. It's an opportunity to do something different, be someone different, and live a life that is different from the one here. I don't want that staleness of repetition to seep into my life. I want to see what I am capable of and to go past that and do more, be more...everything more. I don't know what will happen when I get there. Maybe I will hate it or maybe I will love it. Maybe I will fall in love or get my heart broken. It doesn't matter when it comes to the maybes, ifs, and so on.

I will take what comes my way and stay true to myself. I want to do it for the sake of doing it. I want to test the waters and see how deep I can go without drowning. I want to take away the saftey net of everything and everyone I know and take a deep breath and jump into that dream. Do you see why it is hard for me these days? That is how I feel about going to South Korea. Imagine standing at the water's edge about to take that jump, you are so close but you get pulled back and the distance makes the water fade away. You can't jump, you cannot even see anything anymore. Your in the dark, and have no way out.

That is how I feel right now. I'm scared that when I try again the water won't be there anymore. All that would be left would be an empty hole. I think that is why I feel so anxious, I have to start everything all over again and I can't help but feel sad and mad. I was right there but it didn't happen, and so it sucks for lack of a better word. I feel like my body is betraying me, it is constraining me, and causing me to be in this pain. Why did I get sick and how did I get sick are questions I ask myself everyday. It just doesn't seem real. I keep thinking back to that day, in the ambulance, hospital, lying in that bed in the hospital gown hearing the iv monitor keep going off and pretending this was a bad dream.

I don't think I ever felt more alone that in that hospital room. It was lonely and scary and just the worst two days of my life so far. I pray to God I am never in this situation again. There is so many things that can happen in this waiting time and it scares me. I don't want anymore obstacles to come my way. I just want to get better and move on with my life, to life the life I have imagined and make it reality. I want to test the waters of this dream and see what happens next. I am trying to be strong because everyone around me is worried about me. It gets tiring, and I just want to shut them all out.

I'm going to walk by faith and trust that God will shield me from any harm. He will heal me and lead me to that water so I can finally take a dive. I'm going to be strong and endure this trial so that I can finally triumph. One day at a time, one step at a time is my motto if life and it is overwhelmingly true these days. This has made me realize how important having and pursuing dream are, and eventually I am going to pursue mine.

Sleep overwhelms me so goodnight.
~Lola O.~