Six Months Till South 한국...

I think one of those life mysteries is how time works. Life changes in but a moment and the time we thought we had is gone or shortened. If you are lucky maybe you get an extension. Last night, after I wrote the previous entry I was lying in bed wondering, why did God give me more time here? I believe everything happen for a reason, and often times we don't know the reason or we cannot grasp the reason why.

I have no idea why God gave me more time here with my family in the States but I don't want to take it for granted and look back wishing I had enjoyed it instead of feeling bitter about what would.should have been. My attitude these days isn't very wonderful and that is why I make a horrible patient. My family isn't allowing me to do anything, not even get up and get my own glass of water. For someone who is used to being independent this has made me dependent on others and in all honesty I don't like it.

Okay, back to this idea of time. I have six months till I can go to Korea. In those six months I get to do things I wouldn't have been able to do like spend more time with my mom and family, attend one of my best friends wedding, see one of my best friends graduate from college, turn 22 with my family present, have Thanksgiving/Christmas 2009, have New Year's 2010, and other things I cannot think of off the top of m head.

God gave me six more months to experience all these things and I am happy I get to do those things, but I cannot help but think of the things I will be missing out on in Seoul. I had wrapped my mind around it, having Seaweed soup on my 22nd b-day, enjoying all the traditional Korean holidays, spending American holidays with my new friends in Korea. I don't know how to shut my mind off about Korea and deal with reality.

I keep wondering why did God give me these six months and I guess I probably will not figure that out until the six months are over. What is it He wants me to do in the next six months here. I have no idea what to do so I am not bored out of my mind for the next six months. My sister said six months is not that long. I laughed, six months is half a year, 26 weeks, 182 days. That is a long time. I feel like I am wasting these six months just sitting around at home. My life isn't here anymore, all my friends are busy with their own lives, and everyone is going in their own directions but me. My sister said I should write a novel. Umm...no! I think this blog will be about the only writing I am inspired to do.

Writing and music have always been the two things that give me calm in life's storms. There is nothing like taking the turbulence of one's mind and placing it in words or finding solace in the lyrics of  a song. It brings me peace, but right now nothing seems to be working for me. I have moments when I am like okay to move on, and then other moments when I am thinking about what I would be doing in Korea right about now. I just don't want to let go even though I know I have to.


My good friend told me I have to think positively and I think that will come with time. Time heals all wounds. So I think as the days, weeks, and months go by I will be able to move on, pick myself up, and have a new plan. My mind never rests so I keep thinking about things I can do to make the six months more bearable. I was thinking of taking a yoga or art class at the local community college, working out at the gym, practicing my Korean so I can be really good when I finally get there, reading my Bible, and spending time with the family.

Right now even though I have those thoughts, I feel too tired to really do anything right now. I don't like this sleeping all the time nonsense! I don't know if it is the meds or my body that is making me so tired but once I get back on my feet I will start doing some of those things to keep me busy. If I sit at home all day I will go crazy from boredom and lack of personal space. I am an active person so I am not enjoying this whole rest and relax period of my life since graduation. I need that kind of stuff in small doses at varying times not a whole overdose of it.

I took my first step towards moving on, I deleted myself off the SMOE groups for this Fall 2009. It was like a reality check to tell me I am no longer a part of that anymore...which is the truth. Too bad the truth hurts. I haven't unpacked my luggage yet. It is still sitting by the front door...that will take some time before I bother with that. It makes me too sad looking at it.

I am giving myself this week to sleep a lot and be a lazy bum, but come next week I am going to start making some plans for the next six months so I don't sink further into this bitter funk. God gave me this time but He hasn't shown or told me what I should do with it. Bring on the ideas!

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~

P.S. Hopefully future posts will not be so sad...:)