Six Months Till South 한국...

I am creating this blog as an outlet to my mind for the next six months. You might know that I was supposed to head to Seoul this August but due to some unexpected medical issues I was unable to leave. Here is the whole story...

On Thursday 8/20 I was supposed to be enjoying my last day with my family but sometime in the afternoon I started experiencing some serious stomach pains. I am anemic so I thought it was the medication I was taking. Well after vomiting all over the bathroom, my mother who is a nurse realized that it was old blood in my body and that I must be bleeding somewhere inside my body. Before we could make it to the doctor I passed out and she called 911. I ended up in the hospital for two days and found out that I was bleeding internally from an ulcer with a blood clot attached to it.

That was the biggest shock of my life so far. All I could think about was how I was supposed to get on a plane Friday morning to start my new life in South Korea. I cried and cried telling the doctor they had to let me go. But they wouldn't allow it saying I could have died and what not. Me being the stubborn person I am didn't want to hear it and kept on crying for them to let me out of the hospital. I don't know how long I cried that day but they didn't let me go. They monitored me for the next 48 hours and finally released me on Saturday 8/22. I would have been in Korea by then was all I could think about. I felt heartbroken, angry, disappointed, and pretty much miserable on the inside.

It didn't hit me that my life had been saved by this not happening on the airplane. All I could think about was that my dream was so close, only a few hours away, and it was snatched away from me. I felt cheated and in a lot of ways I still feel cheated by this. All I could think about was why me? why now? How could a 21 year old have and ulcer why didn't the doctor's see the symptoms. I was tired, fatigued, anemic, loss of appetite, pain in stomach after eating...etc., which are all symptoms of having an ulcer. In hindsight the signs were all there to be seen, but it was like we were all blind to it. The doctor's said I have been bleeding on the inside for a long time. It all just felt/feels like a bad dream, okay more like a nightmare and I am going to wake up from it and be in Seoul.

I have spent the last year and a half getting ready for this, doing all the paperwork, studying up on Korea, learning the language, and now I have to wait another six months to be able to go. It feels so unfair and I can't help but feel angry when I should be feeling thankful. I am thankful but I can't shut my mind or my heart off. I can't not feel sad that I have to stay here for another six months. I was less than a day away from getting on that airplane and now I have another six months of waiting.

I hate waiting. I feel like the longer I wait the less likely I will really go. I don't plan on giving up but life has a way of distracting you from your dreams. Everyone is so happy to have me here, no one seems to understand I am not supposed to be here. I am supposed to be in Seoul. I am supposed to be starting my new life there not being stuck in my old one. I feel like someone took my dream from me and stomped it to death right in front of my face. I feel angry that this happened to me, that this sickness is inside of me and no one saw it. I felt fine Thursday morning and within minutes everything changed.

My life went in a whole other direction. I guess people would call it a curveball of life. I know life is unfair but I never imagined something like this would happen to me. That at 21 I would end up in this kind of situation. I want to cry and scream how unfair this all is but at the same time I know God gave me a second chance to live when he made this happen. I don't know what would have happened to me on that plane ride or when I got to Korea. I just keep thinking why didn't I see the signs? Why didn't I ask the doctor more questions? I keep wondering if I could have changed things. I keep blaming myself for this situation I am in.

I have no idea what to do for the next six months. My mom and family are just glad to have me home. They don't understand that I don't want to be here. I had already made up my mind and gotten prepared to leave but instead I am still here. My friends are busy with their own lives; finishing school, traveling ,working, and some even getting married. I feel like I am static while everyone else is dynamic. It's like the U2 song, I am stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it! I wish I could turn my mind off and get out of this funk I am in but it isn't that easy. I had everything planned, my luggage is sitting there by the front door, but I am not going anywhere.

All I want to do it lay in bed and cry tears of self-pity but I know I am going to have to figure out what's next soon. I am just scared that another obstacle will get in the way of me going to work for SMOE in March.

Just pray for me...that God give me clarity and the ability to move past this obstacle and live my life. I know that life is precious, I learned that on Thursday. That is why I don't want to keep waiting to start living my life the way I imagine it to be. I don't know what to do anymore. I had it all figured out and then life threw me a curveball and I am still spinning.