Six Months Till South 한국...

I woke up a few minuted ago with an enormous headache. It always happens just in the temple area and I just feel like crap right now. I haven't been sleeping well for the past few weeks for a number of reasons. First, I keep having weird dreams and sometimes really bad nightmares. The kind that gives you shivers while soaking you in sweat. I wake up with a feeling of dread of what today will bring and I go to sleep dreading what I will see. You see, before I never really dreamed and if I did I never remembered them but now I dream and the dreams are always really weird and don't seem to make sense. The nightmares are even worse, and I never really feel safe when I am sleeping anymore.

I usually try and sleep with music on to blot out that darkness in my mind but it isn't helping much these days. I wake up feeling like something is very wrong, but I don't know what it is. I have been sleeping on the coach for the past 4 months and there is no privacy or quiet. No one cares, and each morning I wake up with a jolt from the voices around me. My cousins are loud, obnoxious, and always fighting. My mom is talking on the phone so loud it sounds like she is yelling. My grandma is cooking and the blender is like a chainsaw to my head. I try to stay up as late as possible so that when I fall asleep it will be instant, but then a wake up in the middle of this madness and haven't gotten enough sleep.

I can't sleep. My appetite is not that great. I am bored. I am stressed by problems that aren't mine. I am really really tired of it/them all. I feel stretched in so many directions and I don't want to be put in the middle of things. I want people to solve their own problems and stop dragging me in. My whole system is overloading and I am worried about the damage. I love my family, and I would sacrifice what I could for their benefit, but I can't sacrifice anymore. I can't give anymore. I just want some peace and quiet in my life and that isn't even happening.

Love makes us liars, sacrificers, enemies, friends, family, comrades, believers, poets, fools, damamged....etc. We all sacrifice something of ourselves and our lives for those we love. We sacrifice our dreams, jobs, hopes, selves, and etc. We sacrifice and suffer everyday for the people we love. When will it be enough? When will things change? When will we stop?

I'm feeling pretty emotional these days. I feel disappointed, angry, hurt, used, sad, frustrated, upset, and broken. I can't make people change. I can't fix everything for them. I can't fight their battles for them. I can't , won't , and don't want to. Everyday it's the same stories, fights, battles. Nothing changes if nothing changes. I can't say more than I have said, do more than I have done. There is nothing left to give or to sacrifice. I just want to move on, move past this all, and get started on my own life and dreams.

I'm not someone who lives in the past wishing things had been different. The past is the past, but we have power over our present and our future. There is still time to change it, to make it better than it is now. I just wish the people around me would see that. There is still hope for better days if you just believe and actually try to make things different, to make things change. My tears are washed away and my throat is sore from my words. Everything is up to them. I won't be dragged down when all I want is to soar up.

We all wish things could be different, but how many of us actually try to change it?

Be blessed,
~Lola O.~