Six Months Till South 한국...

Begin Rant:
You know what is the most annoying thing, having three kids call your name incessantly everyday. I used to really like kids until my cousins moved in with out and I became something of a mom overnight. I used to think I wanted my own little brood one day and now I am not even sure I would want more than one if even that. Kids are nice when you get to send them to someone else to deal with.

My personality is the type that likes organization and quiet and most importantly I really don't like to be bothered and kids don't care one bit about asking you a zillion questions that make no sense except to them. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate kids but these days I don't really like them. This whole experience of taking care of the three of them, making their meals, doing their laundry, checking their homework, and etc has made me realize how I don't want that kind of life...at least no anytime soon. I wouldn't be surprised if I don't have kids or get married till my thirties.

Kids and marriage is a 24/7 commitment that I do not want anytime soon. I want to be independent and selfish while I can cause once I cross that bridge I come second to my family. I don;t have the patience or endurance for that role. Plus I kind of feel nauseous and shudder when I think about being a mom or wife which really tells me that life is not for me anytime soon. I like doing my own thing, not having to check in with anyone, and just going my own way. I don't want that to change...for now. Plus these kids drive me CRAZY!!!

End Rant:)

For some reason I am feeling really sleepy right now but I need to write my thoughts out so my mind can be a little bit clearer. I really miss college. I miss everything about it but my classes. I just miss the atmosphere of having everyone around me and always having something to do. It was nice having my own space and being able to make it homey and comfortable. It was nice having my friends around and just being able to call them up and then 5 minutes later we are hanging out. I miss the closeness and the freedom of college. It really was a time of discover, growth, change, and so many other things.

I think I am beginning to understand why older people always say nothing is the same after college, college is the best time of your live....etc. For me college really was the best time of my life...so far. It gave me four years on my own to just grow, shift, change, triumph, fail, and so many other things. College gave me time to be a teen and then a young adult who finally had a chance to make my own decisions, stay out late, make mistakes and face the consequences, fail and pick myself back up, and meet people who helped me either for a moment or even longer. College with all its sadness, happiness, laughter and miserable moments of insecurity and doubt made me a better me. Each year layered with new experiences and challenged etched memories inside of me.

Now that all of that is over I miss it. I miss it everyday. I miss my friends mostly and my freedom. I miss my independence even more. College gave me distance from my family. The first time I could stay out late, go to parties, chill out with guys, and etc. Growing up I was/am a pretty sheltered kid. Especially since I am a young woman. In my culture daughters are always over protected and even though it was hard always being the kid who never got to really do those teenage things I am glad because it kept me out of trouble.

College gave me a taste of that life but I had the mind to make sure it didn't get too far. It was just fun and sooo liberating. I miss my freedom and maybe that is one of the hardest things about being home. Living under my mom's roof and having to change my life to fit in with everyone else's around me. I'm not a selfish daughter. No I am my mom's right hand most of the time but these days I am just really tired of that position. I just want to go my own way and test the waters. I have been watching out, cleaning up, and looking out for everyone in my family for so long that I just don't have the energy to do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore.

Now I barely get to see any of my friends because of the distance between all us both physically and mentally. Life literally gets in the way of friendships. Either people are still in school, getting married, traveling, working, or whatever else they are doing and we all just get busy with our own lives that we don't have time to intertwine with others. Especially if they are not in close proximity to us. It is really a major bummer because I love my friends and miss them like crazy. It make me worry whether or not we will all still be friends down the road or will it just be the occasional hello, how's life shallowness?

I want them to figure it out themselves, to find that strength and motivation inside them to make their dreams come through and be willing to work hard and endure whatever comes their way. I don't want to be pulling their weight and mine anymore. I don't have anymore to give because I have given so much already. Going to South Korea is one of the first things in my life that I am doing for me, just for me. It is something that others might not approve of, but it is something I want and need to do for myself. Some people don't understand that but it doesn't even matter anymore. I have made up my own mind that from now on I am not going to live my life making decisions that make everyone happy but me. I am going to do the things I want to do as long as I don't hurt anyone in the process. I am going to give myself the time to find my own path or create it if I have to.

I always want to make my family happy and never disappointed so I try to walk the path they want me to. But this past year I realized I will only end up regretful and bitter if I don't make my own choices. I always describe myself like a bird. I am ready to fly, to stretch my wings towards the sky and see how high and far I can go. I am ready for that freedom and independence. I need it. It is like a rite of passage into being an adult in my mind. You need to explore, create, and discover while your young and while you can. As we get older life catches up to us and we don't get those same chances. So while I can, I want to test those waters and dive in to the deep end.

I love my family but distance really does make the heart grow fonder. Ever since I was a little girl I have been taking care of myself and my family because there wasn't any other choice. My dad had left and my mom was always working. When you grow up having to fend for yourself most of the time you learn to be independent very fast. It is a part of me now. I like being alone, living my own life, dealing with my problems on my own. That is my strength and my weakness. I can handle things but at the same time I don't let anyone in. There is a distance between me and everyone else. I like it and at the same time I wish someone would take care of me and help me figure things out. I guess that is why I write because I can't speak what is in my heart and mind. I find peace in writing.

Sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive with no destination in mind just to get away from the chaos and responsibilities I never chose. I cannot shake the sense of not belonging that I feel here. My room has been taken over by my cousins.  My life is pretty much in suitcases. I have nothing to claim as my own and no space to call mine. I am someone who NEEDS space like a person needs to breathe. I like my solitude and quietness. Things that are in short supply these days. I sleep on the couch in the living room because I gave up my room to my cousins. It was no big deal when I was in college since I was only home on breaks, and even this summer it didn't matter because I was supposed to leave at the end of the summer, but now it just sucks not having my home anymore.

I have no place I can crash at, plus I don't want to disrupt someone else's life with my own burdens. Also if I did that who would watch the kids, make them dinner, and take care of them? As much as I want to be selfish I know that for now I can't do that. I have to do the right thing even when the right thing sucks major butt! We all make sacrifices in our lives and dreams to help others. We give up our desires because we have to take care of someone else. I just hope I don't have to give it up permanently. I think we (I) have to remember that we need to take care of our mind, body, heart, soul, and dreams too. We don't let our wishes stay in the background forever just because we have to fulfill someone else's wish.

I'm not that selfless. I have a dream and a vision for myself and my life and one day it will become my reality. I will work hard to reach it and make it real no matter what or who tries to pull me away from it. So I say to you don't ever give up on the desire's of your heart. If it is meant to be then it will be. I believe that with all my heart.

Distance is both a blessing and a curse depending on the people and the circumstances. I need distance from some and not from others. I just need to be free and I cannot do that here where everything is the same. Everyone is moving on with their own lives and it is about time I do the same. There is nothing wrong with change, change is probably one of the few constants in life. The only problem is when you are the one left behind.


Fighting!!!
~Lola O.~