Six Months Till South 한국...

My favorite time of day is when everyone is sleeping and I am the only one awake in the house. It is night outside and I am in my own little world where nothing and no one can/will disturb me. I can put on my headphones and let the music create my background. The best part about this time of day is writing my thoughts out. The only light is from the glow of my computer screen and I can let my thoughts flow freely without any intrusions.

There is comfort and peace in this moment of time. Those are feelings I really need these days. I have come to terms with my situation for the most part and these days I am feeling pretty good physically and emotionally except for the occasional gloomy moment. My dear friend is back in town and it is nice having her here. A person who takes me for who I am and doesn't judge; a very good friend. I could use more of those right now.

It is hard being here because I am not the same person I was and neither are the people here. We went off to college and went our separate ways, and now I am here and I don't really belong anymore...even though I am not sure I ever did. My place is not here, and the people around me don't seem to understand this. This place is not my home anymore and things won't go back to how they were...neither will I. I might not be completely sure about who I am or where I am going but I am sure of who I am not and where I won't go. Even if I hadn't decided to go to Korea I wouldn't have come back home.

Home has never been a place for me. When your parents move around every few years you learn not to get comfortable. My home is my family, but even more so my home is where/what I create. It is of my own choosing and it isn't here. I love my community and the people who have been blessings in my life but I cannot stay here. I cannot stay here because there is no freedom or peace here. It is chaotic and unstable and that is the last thing I need or want in my life. I want to be able to stand on solid ground and no I am not going to sink. I want to find out what I am made of and what I am capable of, and those are things I cannot do here.

Here I am the dependable daughter, the peacemaker, the good friend. I need/want a fresh start where I can just be me. No labels or responsibilities not of my choosing. I want a chance to just be myself and figure out who I am. I want a chance to find some harmony in my life. I really need that time and independence to find those answers. I used to know me, know where I was going, what I would do with my life...but all of that has been unraveling these past few years and now I don't know anything at all. I don't have any concrete plans. All I have out dreams and visions for myself and the kind of life I want to have.

Happiness is the most important aspect of creating that harmony in my life. I think happiness is a shape-shifter that changes with time and the experiences we have. My experiences are limited and too safe. I haven't done anything to shake things up, to see how far I can go, how much I can endure, and I truly believe you can't be truly living if everything is easy and safe. Life is not meant to be easy and safe. It is hard, twisted, and unpredictable. It is that unpredictability that is both wondrous and dangerous. I want/need a chance to explore and discover myself. To challenge my mind, heart, and body and in a way understand it more.

With each entry things (I) become clearer. Being here is hard because it isn't what I want but these five months might just be what I need to find a little more clarity before I take the plunge into self-discovery. I think I am finally coming to terms with everything that has happened within this last month. My life changes in a moment soaked in the unpredictability of life and it has taken me this long to catch up and understand. Life is precious; too precious to waste living by others expectations, doing things you have no passion for, or settling for a life you never wanted. Life is too precious not to take a chance, risk, and challenge. (My) Life is to precious, period to waste.

All the bitterness and anger inside of me for the unfairness I felt is flowing out of me and all that is left it the determination to live the life I have imagines. To paint the portrait of my life by my own means and vision and not those of those of others. I have no idea what these next 5 months will hold but I do believe that I can make the most of it. That God and Life is giving me time here, in this place for a reason, and I just need to find the patience to wait and find out. I have 5 months to prepare for the next stage of my life, one that is of my own choosing. Going to Korea is not about money for me. That is just icing on the delicious cake. My wanting to go to Korea is a chance, risk, and challenge for me. It is an opportunity to see what I am capable of and learn more about who I am. Most all it is is different from what I know and I am passionate about going there for a lot of reasons.

It is a chance for a fresh start, away from the safety and chaos of all that I know. All I want is a chance to see what else this world has to offer and what I can offer in return. Going to Korea is the only thing I am sure of in my life right now so I hold onto it tightly and it makes it harder to be here. But like all things this is a challenge that will test and teach me. Let's see what the next 5 months bring and what changes come my way. I pray that it will bring me one step closer to finding/creating that harmony in my life.

~Lola O.~