Six Months Till South 한국...

For the past two days I have been really really tired and I know it all has to do with everything going on with me, but it makes me feel so weak. I barely have energy to get out of bed to eat something. It's not like I can skip meals right now since I have to make sure I am eating my three meals a day of iron-rich foods minus the disgusting liver my mom tries to feed me.

I think everything is catching up to me and making me feel tired. My mind is tired and my body is tired, even my heart feels tired. At times like this I really wish I had a secret place to go to and rest. Some days I feel like my body is my enemy and is holding me back from doing the things I want to do. I guess I am just having my ups and downs these days. I know I need to give my body the time it needs to heal but being inactive after being an active person isn't fun. I feel like I am wasting each day by just sleeping and eating. It feels like I am become a baby once again especially with people treating me like one. I wish I was like the energizer bunny and could just recharge my batteries and be on my way.

Today one of my best friends turned 22 years old and on 9/19 I will turn 22 years old as well. I imagined how I would spend my 22nd b-day in Seoul and now I really don't want to think much about it. I keep thinking how time goes slow but ends up creeping on us really fast. I'm going to be 22 years old then 23, 24, 25, and the numbers keep going by God's grace and I keep wondering what will I have accomplished by those ages. What will my mark on this world be when I turn 22 in a few weeks. I'm thankful though for being able to turn 22 and be alive because it could have been a different story.

I think right now I feel very much alone in my thoughts and feelings. I miss my friends who are busy with their own lives. Some are still finishing up college while others are plunging ahead in the workforce and as for myself I am a college graduate who has to wait a little longer to make her dreams come true. Some days I convince myself that the wait will pass me by in an instant and other days it sinks in that six months will have been wasted away. I feel like time is precious in our twenties because those are the years we have to create our lives in this world. We have to figure out what we are going to do with our lives, we find jobs, love, failures, triumphs, happiness, sadness, and so on. I think everything is felt more in our twenties and if we are lucky we figure it all out before our thirties.

Today I was laying down and thinking about my life and how in 10 years I will be 31 and wondering about what will I be able to say about my life at that age. I really just hope to figure out what I am going to do with myself to support myself and make a future for me. I don't want to be dependent on anyone for my life but me. I know I think too much for someone of my age. But that has been my burden and gift since I was born. God created me like this but I just haven't figured out why. Not doing anything gives a person a lot of time to think about these sort of things.

I'm counting down the days till I get to leave this place for a new one. A new one filled with its own routines, roller coaster ups and downs, and whatever else life brings my way. I'm excited to embark on that journey on my own and for once having the responsibilities and challenges of being an adult. Living my own life based on my choices and accounting for them. I'm excited to see what I am capable off and for all those little and big moments of self-discovery.

I think the biggest comfort to me these past few days has to be my Ipod (hehe). I love music and it soothes me when the whole world seems to be my enemy. I remember sitting in the hospital bed wishing I had my music to drown out the sounds of monitors, nurses, and doctors that were making confining me. My little brother brought me my Ipod and I could let the music flow inside of me and wash away all the sad feelings. Music has always offered me unconditional comfort. Lately I have been playing Snow Patrol songs especially Chasing Cars and Open Your Eyes. I've also been listening to my wonderful Coldplay's Amsterdam and The Scientist and City and Colour's Against the Grain. Music heals my soul/heart/body/mind and makes me feel less trapped in this weakness of my body.

To be young and healthy is a great gift and right now I am just focusing on the being healthy again part. Each day holds its own trials but I am getting through it. As each days passes I get closer to finally embarking on my journey and I know the strength I lack now I will find and create in time.

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~