Saturday, September 5, 2009
Honestly today is just not my day and I just have so much going on inside me that it feels like I am going to explode. I woke up this morning ready to start tackling things but had a dizzy spell after taking a shower and couldn't find the energy to do anything. My mind had one idea and my body another.
But that is not the point of this entry. Family is the title and therefore the subject of my craptastic mood. Today I read Sarah Dessen's "This Lullaby" and found myself relating the the main character Remy in that we both take care of the thing in our family or feel that we should. We are the fixers, dependables, crisis management, and so on people in our families and we shouldn't be those things because we are not supposed to be the adults. Well, I will be 22 so I am an adult but I have been an adult since I was a kid.
Fast version of my childhood is that my father left my mother for another woman and she has raised us alone since I was around 7 years old. Well when you are a single mom with three kids to take care and they have a dad who could care less if they ate or not you have to work two jobs and basically the kids end up raising themselves in a lot of ways. Being a kid from a "broken home" doesn't really give you the chance to be a "real kid." You have to be independent and get things done for yourself and you learn from an early age to make your own decisions and figure it out on your own. That is how I have been since I was 7 years old...and I think it was at that point that I became the dependable one for my mom and my siblings. I became the peacemaker, the fixer, the make sure everyone is getting thing done, the confidant for my mom. I was and am the kid who is the mom for her siblings and sometimes for her own mother. It is a role that I have played for so long it has become second nature to want to take care of everyone around me but I cannot do it anymore.
You can't make people better, and you cannot change them if they don't want to change. I'm the middle child and my older sister likes to call me the "emotional one." She's right, I have always felt more than others do concerning things and for me I get very emotional when it comes to my family. I don't want them to struggle, suffer, or live a harder life than they have to. I want us all to be happy and peaceful. Living our lives by going after our dreams and making our goals reality but as much as I wish for that kind of life it seems people want to make things harder than they have to be. There is only so much I can do or say to get through to them at some point i.e. right now I have to let go and just let them figure it out on their own. For me that is really hard, I cannot bare to see my family suffering because if they suffer I suffer. If they are sad then I am sad and so on goes the emotional rollercoaster of my life.
It is like they don't realize I am not going to be here forever to fix things and make them better. I have my own life and dreams ahead of me and I don't want to be held back worrying about what they are or are not doing. I tend to keep my feelings of disappointment in them inside but I am just getting sick and tired both literally and figuratively with them that the stress is too much. My family is my stressor point and probably always will be. I want my mom to organize her life and stop thinking what if's when it comes to the past. Your life is what it is and you cannot travel in time and change the places or people you met. You have to focus on now and bettering yourself and your life. You can't just rush into everything without a plan and expect it to work out and get disappointed when it doesn't. I want my sister to find her own strength and not rely on me to give her the magic words of clarity. I am not a magician and I am not full of wisdom. You have to (we all have to) find that inner strength to figure our lives our for ourselves and either make it happen or don't. We have to make our own choices and live with it.
There are things within our control and not within our control but those in our control lets take them head on and use our strength to triumph. I want my sister to be strong and have faith in herself. I want my brother to grow up and wake up. Life is not some little joyride where everything goes your way. Stop acting like a child and figure it our. Because I am not going to be your guide into life after high school. I want him to grow up and learn to be responsible for himself and grateful for and to those who help him. Focus on school, get a scholarship and make something of your life. Have a dream for yourself and find the motivation to make it real don't just wait for others to lead you along the way. No, figure it out, do some research. ask questions, and just get your crap together. You are not a little kid and no should be holding your hand. One of the these days you have to walk on your own two feet.
Today I am just feeling really disappointed in my family not just my mom and siblings but people who are family by blood or friendship who are really showing themselves to be selfish. I get it your busy, you have your own life and blah blah but taking one moment out of your oh so busy life for another person will not kill you. It is like we all get caught up in our own stuff and forget that others exist around us. Sometimes I just want to leave and not look back, but I know I could never do that. I just want to be able to leave knowing they are all going to be okay and walking down the right path even if I am not there. I've been like a mother since I was 7 years old and it not easy to let go and watch the people you love keep stumbling and falling when they don't have to. We all have the power to change our lives and yeah it isn't easy but man if we don't even try then what can we really say.
My family is causing me a lot of stress and heartache and a feel like an explosion is going to happen inside of me. Writing is the only thing that calms me in these moments. I love my family but sometimes loving them is hard and heartbreaking. They are really making me angry, sad, and stressed right now and that is the last thing I need while dealing with this ulcer situation. I am just feeling so tensed and I have no place to just catch my breath and just get away from it all. I need that place of serenity and peace in my life and I don't have it. I think that not being in Korea right now make it even worse. I don't want to be here. I literally have no place in this house to call mine. My room has been taken over by my bratty cousins and I am stuck on the coach. When I lived at home my room was the place where I could get away from all this chaos and find some semblance of peace but not anymore. I don't have the privacy and neatness I crave around me and it is driving me crazy.
Sometimes I wonder about how I am going to survive these next six months here like this. I was ready to start over, alone and on my own, finally able to start living my life for me and not others, but in an instant that all changed, and I am stuck here feeling utterly desolate. I need a break from the chaos of my family and I am not getting it. I need my own space, place, and life away from them and all the things they do that drive me crazy. I don't have anywhere I can go to get that for the next six months. Books, music, and dramas are distractions for moments but life only lets you have then for a bit before it intrudes in on you. I guess I am tired of this role. I don't want to be mom, peacemaker, advisor, fixer of all problems, solution master, and etc anymore. I just want to be a 21 years old trying to figure out her place in this world by making mistakes, having experiences, and just living my life. I'm learning that letting go is the only way to keep myself sane and that it is time to move on and as much as it us going to hurt watching them stumble and fall I can't be the one to pick them up and make it all better. They have to learn to get up or suffer the consequences. I'm learning the people you love the most are the ones' that hurt and disappoint you the most.
It hurts though watching them stumble and fall but now I am too tired to even reach out my hand anymore. I'm exhausted at 21 and I don't want to live my life like this. I can't live my life like this. I love my family but I am going to have to let them go and figure it out on their own. I don't think there is anything more that I can do...
Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~
