Six Months Till South 한국...

Today I turned 22, and I have more questions about my life than answers. Sometimes I think being a planner is a curse because when the plan changes, gets destroyed, or is just lost in the chaos you (I) become stuck in what I like the call the twilight zone. Not like that tv show this twilight zone is more like being in limbo, where you are not moving forward but neither are you moving backward. You are stagnant and for some reason unable to get out of this twilight zone which really is more of a state of mind than a physical limitation.

Today is my birthday, my day to feel all special and celebrate my life and for some reason all day I haven't been feeling in the birthday spirit to be honest I haven't been feeling well period. I woke up from  weird/bad dream and just felt really sick and on and on and on. My stomach has become my enemy this past few months. I got up ate breakfast and started my b-day day. I went and saw Love Happens, which I would recommend for the men and the ladies. I felt like it was more of a movie about healing that romance. I really liked how they did the story. I guess I would call it refreshing. My cousin and his wife came and brought me balloons. I haven't walked around with balloons since middle school it was a funny but sweet feeling. They took me to lunch and we walked around and I bought myself a little b-day present, but all day long I just has a very dissatisfied feeling which really kept me from truly enjoying myself.

It wasn't that I was thinking about my b-day plans in South Korea it was more about just me turning 22 and wondering where I am going, who will I be, and what will I be doing. I was thinking about the other 22 year olds out in the world and wondering how they are doing. I guess I felt/feel like I haven't really accomplished anything. Yeah, I graduated from university in May but since then I have been stuck in this twilight zone of limbo and it makes me feel trapped. I feel trapped here, where everything is as it's been and none of it is what I want. I came home and took a 4 hour nap which is pretty sad that I was easily exhausted like that on my b-day. It is like I don't even know my body anymore. I woke up and everything is the same, everything except for me. I have been changing a lot in the last year, coming into my own skin, making up my mind about my life, and it feels like all that is unraveling the longer I stay here where everything and everyone is the same.

When I turned 21 it was a year of letting go for me. Letting go of bad friends, of my perfectionist attitude towards myself, and most of all letting go of others expectations for me. I learned a lot about myself as a 21 year old and although I have always has a firm grasp of myself that year let me show others that I am who I am and you can either except me for me or get out of my way. This definitely came into play in the friendships I kept and the ones I let go of. I'm the kind of person that isn't someone's friend for a moment or some random blah blah, I am a friend for as long as you act as one which I always hope will be a long time to come. I hate when you have those friends who are friends when it is convenient for them but otherwise it's see you later. I used to put up with that but then I realized that was unacceptable. You are either my friend or you are not. I am not interested in any in between. Being 21 was a year of self-discovery, new beginnings, but mostly lots of endings.

Now at 22 all that I learned at 21 hasn't really changed today but now I have more questions, fewer answers, less friendships...I guess this is life after college. This period of limbo and solitude was supposed to end with summer because I was supposed to start fresh in a new place but that has been pushed back till February so here I am stuck once again in the twilight zone.

I titled this entry Heart, because that is the area of my body that is in disarray. My heart held/holds my dreams, plans, feelings, motivation, passion, and etc but right now it is a heart that is lost and I could really use some comfort. One of my favorite quotes about writing says "we write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. -Anais Nin

Writing has become my heart's only comfort right now. It is the one way I know of expressing myself in a way speaking never could. There is just something about taking that pen or typing away on the keyboards that brings comfort to me. Writing has become my drug of choice, just like music. Those are the two ways my thoughts become less chaotic. The other day I bought a sketch pad on impulse. When I was younger I used to draw to free my mind but then writing took over. I guess we will see what becomes of the sketch pad. I feel like I am just looking for an outlet of understanding. I thought I was done with all these growing pains but it seems like they are still going on and it sure is a painful kind of feeling; the not knowing.

Today I was thinking about the poem "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings," by one of my favorite authors Maya Angelou and feeling like it describes how I feel at this moment in my life. I am that caged bird but I don't sing, no my writing becomes my voice, freedom, and in a lot of ways my peace. My favorite line,

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

pretty much sums up how I feel at this moment if I were completely honest with myself. I feel like my dreams have been put in a coma and as each day passes by they slip farther and farther way from me. It's like no one around me understands how hurt I am right now being here. It is not me being bitter, no it is me being/feeling sad. I am sad and as much as I try to smile and laugh and just live, each day I feel sad because my dreams seems to be lying six feet under leaving me stranded in this twilight zone of limbo. I'm the kind of person who feels things more deeply than others. So this sadness that I feel doesn't just go away with the snap of my fingers. I don't know how to move past it and move on. I don't know how to let it go and maybe it is that I don't want to let it go. But, I really do. I don't want to be sad and be that person who lives wishing things were different. I want to live my life. I am young and by God's grace I will have lots of time to live my life so I don't want to spend it holding on to the should have been mantra. That leads to nowhere.

The problem is I have no idea what to do, I spend a lot of my time praying, thinking, writing, and listening to music but nothing takes the shadows away. Maybe, I just need to give myself time. Life has given me the next 5 months to recuperate from this sickness and maybe I just need to stop fighting the time I have here and instead utilize it. Give myself the next 5 months to figure things out and clear my mind. Maybe that is why God made all of this come out. I keep thinking about  why this happened and what God wants me to do but I never have answers and I am still not knowing. I literally and figuratively am stuck and it is wearing me down. I am tired, and I cannot get the rest and peace I need where I am right now, but I can't leave because I have responsibilities to my family and I have nowhere else to really go right now. I am really longing for freedom right now but for a time I will be that caged bird who longs to be like the free birds and soar towards the heavens.

My heart is tired today and tomorrow will be one month since all of this happened. In this past month recovery hasn't been easy but each day I am getting stronger and healing my body and my mind slowly. I guess I am just trying to rebuild my wings again and make them stronger and more able to withstand this world. I don't want to stay on the earth when I could fly and feel the winds cover me as the sun shines down on me. I want to fly and see how far I can go and I want to do it on my own. I  want to find my own destination in this life and make my own journey. One that is created from my own expectations and not others. I can't hold their hands anymore or smooth their paths for them. I have to let them and this all go because at the end of the day it is me that suffers and I just cannot do it anymore. I am too tired to do it anymore. No one is holding my hand or smoothing my path. No one if comforting me or protecting me. I have been doing that for myself for a long time and probably will keep doing that.

I'm not really sure any of this even makes sense but writing never has been about making sense for me. It lets me express myself completely without any pretenses and I really need that outlet right now. I am thankful to God for letting me celebrate my 22nd year of life and I pray that he continues to protect, guide, love, bless, and shield me in this existence. I pray that all the questions I have about myself and my life get answered and that I find my wings once again and finally get to fly. I pray for this year to be one of opportunities beyond my expectations, friends who become family, love, and most of all peace in my heart, work, life, mind, and everything in between. I pray that I get to celebrate my 23rd year in South Korea and that I have grown even more into the person I am to be. AMEN

Be Blessed,
~Lola O.~