Six Months Till South 한국...

From the stretch of time between posts you can tell I have less things to vent about! ^__^

So if you didn't already know there are 5 Stages of Grief when you go through some kind of loss. I tend to think it applies more than the loss of a loved one. It applies to the loss of something or someone period. For me, three months ago it was the loss of dream (or so thought). Sometimes, I think about that day and I get shivers down my spine. It was a scary day for me and my family, and one I never want to put us through again if I can help it.

Denial: From the moment the doctor told me I had internal bleeding from a blood clot attached to an ulcer I tried to pretend he was crazy and that this situation was just a bad dream. I closed my eyes and told myself when I open it everything would be back to normal. It wasn't and I was still in the hospital and I was definitely not going to leave for Seoul the next day.

Anger: For the first month after I was released from the hospital I had a lot of anger inside of me. It was overwhelming how angry I was with myself, God, my family, my sickness, my everything. I was raging mad that this was happening to me, and I couldn't stand the loss of control. I was angry because it felt like my dream had been ripped away from me moments before it was about to be reached. I was angry, and I wanted everyone to feel angry too!

Bargaining: I told myself if I get better, I can still make orientation. Or I can come a little bit later. Or in a month, I'll be ready to travel. Or maybe, they'll let me come early. Six months of waiting felt like a lifetime, but half of it has already gone by.

Depression: I spent a lot of time crying myself to sleep (this unpredictable chaos was a huge shock to me) the first month. The second month, I spent a lot of time moping and sighning how unfair this whole situation was. The third month, I let go of my anger and depression and finally realized I had to let go of what might/should/could have been and focus on the present and my future.

Most people don't understand what I went through or what I'm going through because they aren't going through it and don't really understand where I am coming from. I wrote it all out because that was the only way I could find a release from how I was feeling. My mom didn't understand how much it hurt being here, seeing my luggage sitting in the doorway, and knowing I wasn't going anywhere soon. They don't know what I went through, how tired I felt, how angry I was inside,  but most of all how sad I felt that this happened to me.

In a way I blamed myself for getting sick and ending up in the hospital. I blamed myself for not noticing the signs sooner. I blamed myself even though I knew there was nothing I could have done to change things. Things happen, and most of the time it is out of our control. I got through all of those emotions and finally...

Acceptance: That led to acceptance (for the most part). I still have moments of feeling out of sort with everything but I get through them. I've learned that life is literally unpredictable. It changes in a moment and takes your breathe away. It can leave you broken, but you have to put yourself back together. Life is life, and you have to roll with the punches and go with the flow. There is no other way to say it but to say that, shit happens and you have to deal with it. I had a plan and things went in another direction so I have to start from scratch. I learned that my health takes priority over everything else and that stress is a dream killer.

The most important lesson I learned is that life has to be lived the way you dream it to be. You have no clue when your time is up and therefore if there is something you want to do then do it before it's too late. God saved me that day, and at first it felt like I was being punished, but I know in my heart I'm alive because of him. So now I just have to live my life the best that I can and discover the things, people, and places that make me happy.

I've accepted I cannot change what happened but I can work towards making my dreams come true, one day and one step at a time. Lately, I have been listening to this song;

I feel like it was written for me because it describes exactly how I feel at this point in my life about where I've been and where I want to go. I'm still trying to figure it all out, and I have so many questions, but I know in time I will find the answers I need about my life and how I want to live it. I'm moving past this hurdle towards my future destination with determination and hope.

Wish me luck!
Lola O.