Six Months Till South 한국...

As usual I have a lot on my mind. It makes me smile how much I love writing. I didn't get to write yesterday because I stayed over at a friends (a break I really needed), but I had that longing to write my thoughts out. I feel so much clearer once I write. For the past few days I have been talking to two of my close friends about everything going on with me as far as being sick, family, fear(s), and pretty much everything I have been holding inside of me for the past couple of weeks.

It felt really good to have someone listen to me and then share their advice with me. I'm the one always giving advice and it felt good to have someone do the same for me, and for someone to just listen and let me vent out my frustrations. Even though it felt good to do that, it felt incomplete. Only I have the power to fix me and the things in my life that are in my power to change. I think when you share a part of yourself with other people you have to be willing to not hear what you want to hear. They will not always agree with you, and they might give you tough love, but I know we need that. I need that. I am grateful to have that.

I don't like to tell others about my issues because I don't like to bother or burden them with it. At least I feel like me telling them would bother or burden them, but I know I can't live my life holding myself at a distance from everyone. I am grateful for the people in my life who can deal with my moody self and still love me for me. I don't want to complain to them, but I am glad at the same time when they let me vent. We all need those moments of venting our frustrations. I feel a lot better emotionally these days, but those same frustrations are still there.

I told my friend the other the thing I have been afraid to say out loud since I got out of the hospital. I am terrified that something else will happen to me or around me that will become another obstacle stopping me from going to Korea. I am scared to feel that same joy and excitement again because I know what the other side feels like. I'm scared to dream and hope because that "what if" lingers on my tongue. What if....happens and I don't get to go. I'm scared to be passionate about going to Korea only to lose it once again. I'm scared to want it again and end up losing it again. I felt like even though I worked so hard and did everything right I still lost. All of those thoughts have been running through my head these past few weeks and I haven't been able to talk to anyone about them. I don't feel that same energy and motivation because I just keep thinking that it is better to hold back so I protect myself if I fall again. Kind of what an athlete feels when they get hurt and they are scared of putting that same strength in their sport because they know what it is like to get hurt and to lose.

I don't know if that makes sense but another way of putting it is someone who is scared to love again because the first time they got their heart shattered. I am scared to try again because I don't think I could take another obstacle getting in my way. I told my friend all these things and she said to me that everything that has happened isn't going to stop me as long as I don't let it. If I want to go to Korea, I will make a way to get there. She  talked about how when you have a dream you really want you won't give up when things get rough. She is right, even with all those fears and doubts I still have a passion to go to Korea. To test the waters and see how far I can go there. I haven't given up, but I have been shaken up. She said it is okay to be scared but you have to get through the fear and give yourself time to feel that motivation and drive for going to Korea. I love her like a sister, and I am glad we talked because my heart felt a lot lighter after.

I love everything Korean. The food, fashion, music, art, dramas, and most aspects of the culture. It makes me smile when I hear people speaking in Korean and I can pick out some of the words. I love learning about Korea; its people and history are fascinating to me. I want to go, and I know someway and somehow God will get me there. The biggest thing out of this situation is that I will appreciate my time there in a way not many could. I will enjoy it more, explore more, and be less afraid to take things on because I know how precious life and time is. God gave me a second chance at life when I didn't get on that plane, and I don't want to waste it living with regrets.

I want to forge my own destiny and enjoy the ride without worrying too much about the destination. Life is meant to be lived and I think I have spent to much time planning and not living. I think the biggest thing is staying positive and focused. I haven't unpacked my suitcases because they are a reminder that I am not here to stay and that I will be going one day soon. I have five months left here, and for me it seems like a dreadfully long time but I feel like God has something prepared for me. His reason for giving me this time here, maybe I am supposed to do something, or maybe I am supposed to meet someone and I would have missed that if I left them. I have no idea why, but I believe there is a reason and in hindsight I will know it.

Each day is a learning experience for me. I grow and change with each passing moment. That is what experience is all about. I'm not perfect. I have my flaws, but that is what makes me unique, and makes me me. I used to be the queen of plans, but I am learning all about the beauty in the breakdown. I don't have any definite plans when it comes to my life anymore because life changes in an instant and I want to try and go with the flow of things. I want to let the winds carry me to different destinations. I want to be blown away across this world and see what is has to offer. I want to be fluid and dynamic and I hope to get to that point in my life one day. Where I just have a deep and unshakable sense of self.

The only thing in my life that I am remotely sure of is my passion for Korea and my desire to go there and try living life somewhere new and breakout of my box to see what else is out there. I've never been one to think anything comes easy so I know it won't be perfect or simple. I do know that no matter what it will be worth it. Anything that allows for self-discovery is worth it, and I am so ready to discover. I'm taking it one day at a time, and one step at a time and remembering to believe in the beauty of my dreams so that I can live the life I have always imagined.

Keep me in your prayers,
~Lola O.~